The First Goodbye

"See you in a few years, my friend. And, if such be the case, have a wonderful life and I'll see you in the next one.
Goodbye."

Why must such words be said? 

Why can't good friends be together forever?

Why. Why. Why.

I had so much to say to you. So many things to do with you. So much time together that we should have had which seems to have been stolen by distance. By a few meager miles in a universe where our source of heat and light is nearly 10,000 times further away than you are. A distance between us so small that light travels it in 7 millionths of a second. 

A distance which is incomprehensibly far.

Well, here's the first of many goodbyes. Or, the first that I have really felt anyway. Oh dear. This life is going to be difficult if saying goodbye to all my friends is this painful. Maybe I'll get better at goodbyes. I don't know. Anyway. Ready or not, here I go. Again.

Remember that I love you.

Know that I believe in you. You will do great things. I believe you will change the world.

Know that you have changed my life in greater ways than I can tell you.

Stay true to God and yourself, and cling to hope and truth like your life depends on it, because it does.

Smile often.

I will never forget you.

Goodbye, my friend.

All the love in my heart,

Dallin

The Williamsburgerer's Lament

I love my friends.
The end.
But I have a problem. I don't live with my friends. They aren't near me. They are in Canada and Pennsylvania and Utah and Virginia and California and Washington and everywhere else but here. I do have friends where I live. But not like I have friends in other places. It's not the same. My friends and I here, with only a few exceptions, are not very close.
I got to see some friends today. It was great. I love them so much. But I hurt now.
I left a piece of my heart with my friends.
God bless them.
Why can't we all just live in the same place? Why can't we live and grow and laugh and love together in the same place? Instead of... Different places. Places far enough apart that for most of the year they may as well be different planets. Different worlds from which our only communication is this silly little thing that we call a computer. We don't see each other. We don't hang out like other high school kids do. I don't even know what that is like. To be with my friends every weekend. To physically sit in class with them every day. To play sports with them. You know. Normal high school kid things.
That hurts.
Because the more I get to know my friends, the more I am with them, and the deeper my relationships become, the more pieces of my heart I give every time I leave them.
Kids talk of getting guns and phones and books for Christmas and birthdays, but I just want my friends to actually be with me on those days.
Is that too much to ask? To simply be with them? Must I be separated from them for the rest of my life? Must I feel isolated?
I feel like I stand on an island in the middle of the sea full of people that don't care about me, or live too differently to understand and connect with me. I walk among them more like a ghost than a person; seen as frightening by some and received warily by most. Friends with few, and good friends with far fewer. I see my best friends all around me on their own islands. But it's an illusion, because they're not really there. I can talk to them, but never be with them. For when I try to touch them, they disappear like a mist, carried away by the breeze. Always within reach yet never within grasp. And sometimes I look up and they're real and there and I am with them. But they never can stay for long enough. Soon again they are off, headed back to their own place or I to mine, taking yet another piece of my heart with them, and I a piece of theirs. Back to our own islands with the people that never will understand what it's like to have friends more like visions than people.
I just don't want to be alone. The world gets harder to live in every day, with ever increasing corruption and deceit, violence and sin. I just want someone to hold my hand and and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I don't want to find that comfort virtually. I am tired of staring at this screen. I was meant to do things. To change the world. To make it a better place. Not to simply sit and talk with my friends about things that we cannot change while we're sitting, staring at a screen.
I will change the world.
I only want someone to be there with me when it happens.
Is that too much to ask?

The Problem I Have With "Modest Is Hottest"

"Modest is hottest." We've all heard this cute little phrase used to make young women think that dressing modestly is better than otherwise. Many have found issues with this phrase, such as it sending contradictory messages because dressing modestly to appear "hot" defeats the purpose of dressing modestly and the fact that it's just a cute little phrase that doesn't actually have any significance. The problem I have with their problem is that the word "hot" as it is used in this saying has a definition that is so relative that it can't be solidly defined. It's a slang word. That's their purpose. So while the word hot may have sexual connotations in some respects, it can be argued that it's not a sexual term at all. Thus because of the fact that hot as used in this phrase is a slang term, it cannot be argued solidly that there is anything wrong with this phrase in that way.
Here's my problem with the phrase.
My problem with the phrase "Modest is hottest" is not that the word hot is used. That word is so relative that it's hard to understand what it means anymore. My problem with the phrase is that it defines a woman's beauty by the clothes she is wearing. How awful is that?
That means that this girl

Is more beautiful than this girl




Simply because she has nicer clothing.

Think about it.
It's a terribly vain view of the world.
Is that all a man sees a woman for? Her clothing?
More importantly,
Is that all a woman sees herself for?
Think about it.

When I Fall in Love

When I fall in love, I want the light of Christ to shine in her eyes like the sun lights up the morning. I want her to be as happy as Pollyanna and wise as Viktor Frankl. As gentle as Mother Teresa and strong as Emma Smith. I want her face to radiate joy and light.
I do not think she will be this way when I meet her. But that's okay. In fact, I think that's great. I want to learn with her. Grow with her. Improve myself along with her as she improves herself. Give my heart and soul to her. I want to see that she is willing to go through Hell with me, and come out better because of it. Willing to grow with me. Willing to do hard things, and become a more perfect person with me. Willing to receive my heart and soul as her own. Willing to be with me for eternity.
I want to fall in love with her heart, mind, and spirit far before I ever fall in love with her body. I want to be her best friend. I want to help her be happy. I want her to feel loved every moment of every day. I want her to feel like the most beautiful woman on Earth. Because in my eyes, she will be. She already is. I don't know who she is. Where she's living at. What her life is like. Or even if she's in the same country that I am. But I do know that she's alive. She's breathing. Her heart is beating and she's experiencing the same moment that I am. Maybe she'll see this one day. I don't know. I really don't.
I want to be the man that sweeps her off her feet. I want to hide little notes telling her how much I love her in places that she'll find them throughout the day. I want to give her a home and and a family. I want to provide the things necessary to life for her. I want to give my life to her. I want her to be happy.

Anyway. That was... A post. Not really sure why I wrote it. But uh, here it is. I hope you liked it. Haha. :D

**Author's note: This post made me feel super vulnerable. I'm not really sure why. I shouldn't feel vulnerable or hesitant to share things like this. They should be evident already. But uh, I do feel vulnerable. So yeah. Haha. :D Also, this. Yeah. This. I like this. :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hFT853OYfg **

Numb

When you feel numb, don't do stupid things to try and feel something. I know it's a desperate feeling to be numb. Trust me. I've been there. I know that you are desperate to feel something - anything at all, but it's not worth it to do stupid things to try and feel. I promise. Pray the the Lord and be patient. He will help you.

Leading by Example

Today I learned something about leading by example. It was a chastisement from God to me, really.
Let me tell you a story.
I was at work all day today. 8:00 to 7:00. When I got home I was so tired. I really just wanted to come sit and learn something or listen to music. Maybe talk to a friend or two. Do something to recharge. So I get home feeling a little bit peeved after having to stay almost an hour extra at work, (The store closes at 6:00) to do some things for my Mom. The first thing I heard when I walked in the door was, "Oh hey, thanks for those papers you brought home for me. Would you mind running Ben up to Grandma's house for singing practice?"
-_-
And I was thinking. "Um, yes. Yes I would mind, thank you very much. I'm tired and I want to go do something else." But I didn't say that. I grumbled something about being tired, grabbed Ben, and got in the car. I drove him up there. Found out that it wasn't actually at Grandma's house, but at the farm. Grumbled a bit. Dropped him off, went home, and was actually in a half decent mood when I got home. Went and visited the neighbors for an hour or so. Came downstairs, got on my computer for about 45 minutes. Then I went out to weed my garden. Which is actually the family garden. It's just that they have labeled it as mine. So I guess it is. Anyway, I went out to weed the garden, and I did for about an hour intermingled with helping the neighbors with some things and talking with them. So I come home at about 9:45. I was tired. So I start to go downstairs and I hear, "Hey Dal? Will you do the dishes before you go downstairs?"
There are times when I wish the Lord wouldn't have directly stated that obeying one's parents is a commandment and an important thing to do.
So I turn around and start doing the dishes. Grumbling all the way. My Mom is just down the hall giving some of the kidos a bath.
So I stood there. Doing the dishes. Thinking about how lazy my siblings are. They really aren't that lazy. They get a lot done. Just. Not. What. My. Mom. Tells. Them. To. Do.
And I try really hard to obey my parents. I really do. So when I have to do my sibling's chores, (Dishes is not one of their chores, but I do their chores all the time with watering and chickens and house jobs and such.) because they ran off to do something else without finishing, it is a difficult thing for me to swallow with humility and meekness.
My pride got the best of me for a moment. So I turned to my Mom and started going off on some angry rant about how lazy my siblings are. She told me there's not much she can do about it because they don't listen, so if I wanted it to change, I needed to change it myself.
That wasn't the answer I was looking for.
So I sat there. Doing the dishes. Grumbling. Making my life miserable. And then God told me this. He said, "Dallin, you need to kill your pride. Now. Your pride is not worth your eternal salvation. If you become proud now, it will lead you down a path of great destruction. Be still for a moment and listen to Me."
So I took a deep breath, and listened. God taught me about leaders. He said,
"You have been told in the past to lead by example. You do that very well. Thank you. Let me teach you something more. When leading by example, remember that there is more to it than what you do. It's how you do it. If you're constantly exclaiming to everyone around you how much more you're doing than they are, you're defeating your entire purpose. A leader that effectively leads by example leads by quiet example always."
Woah. Okay. I'll do that. Haha. :D
The interesting thing for me about talking with God is that I don't ever hear Him loudly or really even feel Him strongly in most cases. I have to listen closely and feel carefully. If I don't I miss what He has to say. Well, I listened today. And I'm glad I did.
Thanks, God. I love to feel you in my life.
So remember, my friends. There are two morals to this story.
#1 Effective leaders lead by quiet example always. People will pick up on what is being done eventually, even if it takes a long time. When they do pick up on it though, what you have done will be much more effective than if you had said anything.
#2 God speaks super quietly. If you're not making a conscious effort to know His will and His word, you're probably going to miss it.
Now go forth and make the world better, my friends. :D
Love,
Dallin

Modesty

There has been a lot of discussion on modesty lately. So I'm going to chip in my thoughts.
Let's start with a bold statement. That's a good way to start an article.
There is nothing inherently wrong with complete nakedness. Hence there is nothing inherently wrong with walking down the street completely naked even when everyone else is fully clothed.
^^^Those statements will be explained throughout the article.
Modesty is a word that, in terms of clothing length, wasn't even a real thing until recently. The way modesty has been defined for most of the history of the world is a word that is very similar to the words humble and meek. It was more about why you were wearing what you were wearing than what exactly you were wearing. I can't imagine that when the the men of old dressed in sackcloth, shaved their heads, and sprinkled ashes on their heads they were modest by whatever clothing modesty standards we have today. It was probably something like this, which if you are going by knee length apparel with sleeves on the top is not modest. Also, he was probably not wearing underwear under that. Just to point that out.

Also, if it is a sin to have clothing that doesn't go to your knees and cover your top, how could Adam and Eve do so in the Garden of Eden when they were there and not be thrown out?
Because of what I said before. It is not inherently wrong to be completely naked, or dress however you will. You should not feel ashamed of your body. Ever.
So if this is true, why do we even wear clothing at all?
God told us that our body is like a temple. We clothe our bodies not so much to cover our nakedness, but to show respect for the gift that God gave us. Our bodies really are a gift. Your body is a gift directly from God to you. Remember that. Take care of it.
So why the big fuss about modesty?
There are two extremes on this issue. Both deal mostly with women, so that's what we'll argue, though keep in mind that all the same principles apply to men as well. One extreme that says that women can wear whatever they want and that they should be sexy and hot. The other says that the first is sinful and that women are responsible for the thoughts of men, so they must always dress very modestly so as to keep the men thinking cleanly.
What terrible ideas. Both of them.
Let's address the first one.
The first one objectifies women. It makes them sound like sexual objects. It makes them feel like sexual objects. Some of them find pleasure in that. None of them find happiness. If a young man hears that women should be sexy his entire growing up, it's no wonder that he will see them as objects used only for his own sexual gratification.
Let's now address the second one.
The second one objectifies women.
Yup. Pretty much. Young women, if anyone ever tells you that you are the reason the young men are having dirty thoughts, they are hypocrites and are objectifying you as sexual objects just as much as any person of the first opinion. Ignore those people's words. Treat them with love, but ignore their opinion on modesty. Why does this opinion make women sexual objects? Think about it. I think you'll find the answer all on your own. If not, ask me in the comments. I'll help you figure it out.

To summarize this article:
My friend, treat yourself with respect, okay? Okay.
Have a marvelous day. :)

Courage

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. -Atticus Finch. To Kill a Mockingbird

Courage is everything. Maya Angelou said:

Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.

I do not agree with Ms. Angelou completely. I would change the wording. But no matter how I would change it, the underlying principle is true. Courage determines virtue. Are you being as virtuous as you ought to be? Yes? Good. I admire you. I really do. You are a strong person. Thank you for being who you are.
It is a common misconception that the presence of fear indicates the absence of courage. Such is not the case. The people with the greatest courage do not live without fear. In fact, courage requires fear to exist. Without fear there is no courage. And everybody has fear. Fear gives man the choice to be courageous.
 The strongest and the best men ever to live dealt with fear. Even the best man dealt with fear.
Jesus Christ. Our Savior. Our Redeemer.
It would be a lie, I think, to say that Christ wasn't sometimes afraid. Afraid to be tortured. Afraid to be crucified. God didn't make Christ without fear. Because Christ had to be a man too. Just like you and I. He couldn't be more than we are and still understand us. He couldn't be more and still atone for our sins. The plan of salvation doesn't work that way. He was one of us. And yet, he overcame fear. He overcame death. He overcame sin. His life and his work was a conscious decision, not a destiny set in stone. Christ too had agency.
Fear is of the devil. It is a tactic, a trick. Something to make us see our reality as it could be and not really as it is. It's an illusion. The devil laughs when you are afraid. He knows that he is winning. Because you're not seeing the world properly. You're seeing it through a series of maybes. Not as it is.
There are many ways to deal with fear. But one in particular that works very well, I have found. Do what you are told to do by people all the time.
Live in the moment.
I'm serious. Live in the moment.
Fear does not exist in the present. You are not afraid of right now. What you are afraid of is the next second. Or hour. Or day. Or year. Again. Fear does not exist in the present. Fear is a thing of the future. Remember that.
So have courage, my friends! Right now in the moment you read this, you feel no fear about now. But you do fear tomorrow. That's fine. What are you going to do about it? A defensive approach to fear is the worst thing you can do. You have to attack! Fear is a coward! Fear is afraid of you. It will back down every time if you challenge it. Go jump off of the high dive. Call that girl. Talk to that guy. Repent. Mend that friendship. Forgive someone who hurt you. Trust somebody who hurt you.
Live unbound.
Live unbound from fear.
Live unbound from the devil.
Live unbound from your insecurities.
Live unbound.

It's going to hurt you. I promise. But courage comes when fear does. And usually fear comes with pain. But with pain often times comes joy.
Find your courage. Make your mark. Defeat fear.
Then be happy. Feel free. Feel peace once more.
It's worth all the pain. I promise.
Love,
Dallin

I Feel So Dark

I don't understand what I feel.
Whatever it is, it just feels dark. It feels almost numbing. It feels pointless. Hopeless. Lost.
Why? What did I do? I haven't done anything wrong. I've done the right things. Kept my responsibilities for the most part. Loved my neighbor. Been a kind friend. Followed Christ with faith.
The normal.
And still. I feel dark. I feel numb. Empty. Lost. Confused. Tired. Lonely.
I miss the light. I miss feeling good. And happy. And like life is worthwhile and people are basically good.
The light just doesn't seem to come.
Not to say I never feel it. I feel the light all the time. I feel loved. I feel happy. I feel accepted. But I don't feel content. Not like I used to. It used to be that I could be all alone and be completely happy and content with myself for days.
Now I hardly feel content for minutes. And then the darkness comes again. The ever pressing, relentless darkness that is so heavy that sometimes I don't feel like I can shrug it off.
I really don't understand. I wish I did. I wish I would hurry up and figure it out. Because it hurts. And I don't know how to make the darkness go away.
It's like a cloud on a sunny day. But this cloud doesn't go away for weeks. And it doesn't even rain. It just blocks the sun. It makes the world dreary. Lacking of color. Lacking of light. Because not even the stars can be seen but from the mountain tops above the clouds.
Do you feel dark too?
I hope not. It's sad. It makes life feel pointless.
What do you do to be rid of the darkness though? Do you have an answer for me? Do you understand what I'm trying to explain?
I dunno.
I just miss the light. You feel?

Why Don't You Listen to Me?

A lady and a man become acquainted. 
"Hello! :D "
"Hi. :) "
They spend time together.
Life happens.
Pretty soon we hear...
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Life goes on.
Many things happen.
Pretty soon "I love you" is no longer said, but instead we hear...
"Why don't you listen to me?"
"I am! You're the one that's not listening!"
More hurtful words.
Less mended pain.
More hurtful thoughts.
Less shared feelings.
More broken relationships.
Less caring people. 
Repeat Cycle

That cycle is happening right now. Somebody somewhere is feeling that anger. Hearing those words. Living that cycle.
To a certain extent most of us are.
While this post is geared toward family relations, specifically those between a husband and wife, it applies to many other relations as well.
And it makes me so sad.
So very, very sad.
Why can't we all just get along?
I don't know. I really don't. I wish I did.

I have an idea though. It has been my experience that fear is what motivates the "Listen to me" dialogue. Fear... But fear of what?
What would make someone so afraid as to fight with the person that they love more than anyone else in the world? Their friend. Their companion. Their mate. What type of fear is that strong?
I have come to the conclusion that fear of judgment is what makes someone so afraid.
People don't like to be judged by anybody. But when you feel judged by your soulmate, when you see that look of pity and shame or anger that resides in their eyes and are hurt by it, it hurts in a terrible way. An indescribable way. And it's hard to heal.
And I know. A 16 year old giving marriage advise to adults. What do I know about married life?
Just be patient. I am more wise than I appear to be. I am wrong sometimes, but I think I'm right on this one.
Being judged hurts. So if you want a person to listen to you, or if you want a person to trust you with what they have to say, quit judging them. Take what they have to say and give it your honest consideration. There should be no anger involved. No preconceived answers or assumptions. No bias. Only a sincere desire to love and care for the other person. Then is when a person will listen to you. Then is when a person will talk openly with you. That is when you will find peace in a relationship.
The real question is, are you ready to set your pride down for the person you love most?
Or is your pride more important?
Think about it.

Don't Kill Their Happiness

This is my brother Ben.

He is one of the happiest people I have ever known. He is always smiling. Always trying to uplift. Always making the world a better place.
Do you know what the sad thing is?
Doctors say that Ben will be dead by 21.
Ben, along with his twin sister Rebekah and my other sister Rachel have a rare genetic disease called Ataxia-Telangiectasia. Basically Ben, Bekah and Rachel are missing a protein in their brain called the ATM protein. Their bodies don't repair DNA correctly and their cerebellum is deteriorating rapidly.
This is a picture of Rebekah and Rachel.

These beautiful children. My siblings. My friends.
They are all supposed to be in wheelchairs by the time they are 10.
Not able to speak by 14.
Dead by 21.
And while we are breaking a lot of these molds and predictions with so many prayers and a lot of research, (Mostly done by my incredible Mother) their bodies are still deteriorating. More slowly than other A-T children, (My siblings are in the top 5% in the entire world as to how well they are doing) but still going downhill.
Think about that for a moment.
These children have lived their entire lives with this knowledge.
Yet... They are still so exceptional.
Ben, as mentioned before, is so happy. So very happy. He glows. And although we can't always understand what he's trying to say, we can see the way his eyes light up with a soul too big for his body.
And Rebekah, she is so sweet. What a tender and loving soul. When I walk into the house, most of the time the first thing I hear is Bekah running down the hall to give me a hug. She's always serving. Always trying to make life better for everyone around her.
And Rachel. She's just spunky. But in a cheerful sort of way. She's so happy.

I believe that God gave them the gift of joy and love to be able to deal with the lives they have been given. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't know if I could be the way they are in the situation they are in. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.
Sometimes, it hurts. They try so hard to be like everyone else. I don't even know if they realize that they are different most of the time. But they are. The older boys, Spencer, Enoch, and I, we're Ben's idols. Anything we do he will do in a heartbeat. Spencer, Enoch, and I are all very good athletes.
But Ben... Chances are he never will be.
His great dreams and hopes all lie on the baseball field and in the football team.
But those are dreams that he probably will never accomplish.
He probably will never be an MLB player. He'll probably never step out onto Yankee Stadium and hit one over the fence. He is just not physically capable of that type of thing.
And one day, he's going to realize that.
And it breaks my heart.
Bekah, her greatest aspiration is to be a mother. It's her dream. But... She probably never will be.
She probably will never have her own children.
Never rock her baby to sleep.
Maybe never even marry.
And it breaks my heart.
Rachel is too young to really tell what her dreams are. But chances are...
If they're a pursuit that extends past mid-twenties, she will probably never attain them.
And again, it breaks my heart.
They don't have very long on this Earth without the revelation of a major miracle.
So why would we make their lives anything but wonderful?
Why not let Ben try baseball?
Why not let Rebekah play with dolls?
Why not let Rachel just be herself?
Why not treat them like they're a normal kid? Maybe give them some hope.
The doctors... They've never said anything to Ben, Bekah, and Rachel about hope.
They've only said to take these drugs and try to live another year.
And yet hope is what is keeping them alive. It's the reason they are in the top 5% in the world for how well they're doing. It's the reason that at the age of 10 Ben and Bekah still ride bikes instead of wheelchairs. It's what allows them to be happy.

When people like this cross your path in life, don't treat them differently than anybody else. Don't pretend like they're disabled, because they're not. I hate the word disabled. They have the ability to do just as great of things as you and I do.
Don't kill their joy.
Don't focus on the bad things. Instead lift them up. Tell them how wonderful they are. See the light that they contain. Give them your love. I believe that the thing that kills more people than anything else is a lack of hope, and a focus on the bad things that could happen. Nothing is certain. It is not certain that my siblings will be dead by 21. To be honest, I believe that they will live full and long lives. I really do. I believe that Bekah can one day be a mother. I believe that Ben can one day be a professional athlete. I believe that Rachel can fulfill all of her dreams.
I didn't say that it wouldn't take work. It will. For these things to happen, we basically have to change the genetic structure of their bodies. We have to heal them. But God never said to give up hope in any circumstance, so we shall hold fast to hope and keep the faith.
Maybe they'll live. Maybe they'll fulfill all of their dreams. Maybe they'll change the world.
Maybe they won't.
Regardless of whether they do or don't, I believe in them. And whether my belief is well grounded or not, one thing is certain.
In the end, all will be well.
All will be well.
And Ben, you go, Superman.