More Like Love

My dear friend,
I hope you've had a beautiful day. I really do.
Today I feel hurt. I feel broken and helpless. I've given so much and expended so much energy, and now I just feel tired. There is so much going on. Let's talk about it for a minute or two.
Since I was a small child I wanted to be a state champion wrestler. That was one of my great goals. I worked and sweat and bled and cried for it. I dreamed about it and talked to almost everyone who would listen. I studied and prayed and thought about it for years. I bought books and videos and even a mat for my basement. Anything I could think of to try and be better. Wrestling camps and early morning practices, meditation, yoga, etc. The list goes on. I even learned how to do a backflip after a coach told me to.
This year was my senior year - my last go. I never had won it yet. Twice I had taken 2nd, and once 3rd, but never won. Long story short, I took second - again. I never ever will be a state champion wrestler.
Oh the anguish of that statement!
Oh Lord, my soul cried. Please help me! I hurt so badly and I do not know what to do. 
Why, Lord? Why must I lose again? I just wanted to be a state champion. Just once. 
I just wanted to be successful. I wanted to be able to look my children in the eyes and one day tell them about the time that daddy won state. Tell them about the struggle and the pain and eventual triumph. I wanted to have a good story to tell. I wanted to win so that I could know what it was like. I wanted to win for my coaches. I wanted to win for my friends who came to watch. I wanted to wrestle and to win for God and for His glory. 

I fought this. I tried to tell myself that God has a plan and that I have to be patient and everything will work out. Not just this year, but in years past. The solution to the pain was always, "There is still next year. Keep training, keep working hard. You'll make it." 

I didn't make it.

And this year I have no next year. I have to deal with this pain or let it fester in my soul. 

Tonight I had a conversation with a friend who I've really wanted to talk with for a while, and I worked hard today so that I would have time to talk tonight. I wanted to talk about so many things, and state maybe as one of them. But I didn't get the feelings to come. Initially I felt great. I had just gotten some great things done, I felt awesome. But not long in, I just began to feel blank. Numb. Nothing. I didn't feel like I was putting my heart in the conversation, and I didn't know how to put it in. 

I just hurt. A lot. And I don't know how to deal with it. I want to cry but I don't really know how. I'm not very good at it. It doesn't seem to solve my problems. I wanted to open my heart and give voice to all my feelings, but I froze up, and didn't speak. 

Oh Lord, I hurt so much. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of trying to live by my own wisdom. I'm tired of trying to explain all the things that happen. Please help me to be more like You.

I submit myself to you. I give up. I'm a broken man. 

Please heal me. 

Carry my burdens, and guide me in the path that You want me to go. I give myself up to you. 

I cannot be whole without you in my life.

Ben Rector sings a song that describes how I feel tonight. He says, 

I used to think I wanted to be famous
I'd be recognized out in a crowd
But the funny thing is anytime I've gotten what I want
It lets me down 

But now I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love 

I used to think I needed all the answers
I used to need to know that I was right
I used to be afraid of things I couldn't cover up
In black and white 

But I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love

I find the farther that I climb
There's always another line
Of mountain tops
It's never going to stop
And the more of anything I do
The thing that always ends up true
Is getting what I want
Will never be enough 

So I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love
Like love

Before my state finals match I was talking with God about love. I was asking Him to teach me more about love. For so long the Devil has lied to me and tried to tell me that love is weak. I know that is false. Love is strong, for God is love. I asked Him to teach me how to be strong in love. Teach me how to love my opponent while I wrestle, and love what I'm doing, and be stronger because of it.

I don't know why I lost that match. So many things were going well for me to win it.
So be it.
I trust you, Lord. Show me the way. Please help me to be whole.
Love,
Dallin

I Love God

I love God. So very much. ^_^ And basically everything else about life. He set it up so well, and I've found that as I really reach and really try to be the man He wants be to be, I become that man. Even when I'm not feeling it. Even on the days when my prayers feel insincere and hollow, and I feel alone and empty, He is there. His plan for all men to be saved baffles me with its brilliance. It really does. I look at it and the way it is constructed for the edification and development of all man, and I marvel. I love it all.
God has done so many good things for you and I. Have you ever though about all the good things He has done? First, he created life. Life emerged out of a universe of unorganized matter. Elements floating in space which cannot become more on their own. He organized them. He put the universe together like a child with the world's greatest box of leggos. Can you imagine that? I bet God was EXCITED. I picture Him having a great vision of how He wanted things to be, and then working so hard to get there, and when the seventh day came and all was done, I imagine him standing back and just smiling. Grinning ear to ear, because He knew that what He created was good. It says so in the Bible that He at least examined it when He was finished, and, "Saw that it was good." And He did more than that. :D
God not only created the cosmos and the humans, but He stayed with them, and is still with them. Tending them, propping them up, building them. He's the ultimate gardener, and we are raised by His hand. He sent us here with a great Plan of Salvation, that we may return to live with Him someday. All men may return. He doesn't have favorites. He loves every member of ISIS just as much as He loves the active Christian, and at times He weeps at the actions of both groups of people. See, at root we humans are not very much different. At root we all want to be loved and we all want to be happy. That's what we call the Light of Christ, and it is in all men. God put it there on purpose. Some people choose to stifle and kill that light. ISIS seems to me a fitting example of men who choose to be the destroyers. Others choose to grow that light, and seek to become better human beings. It's all their choice, and that's the brilliance of the whole matter. That's God doing His job well. All men absolutely have a choice to do whatever they want to do with their lives. God has never and will never take any agency from any man. If He did He would cease to be God.
He will never make your decisions for you, but He will certainly aid you in the ones you to make.
He will seldom, if ever, remove you from the trials that you face, but He will teach you how to rise to meet them.
He will always love you, and aid you in any way that He can, but you have to let Him into your heart, and you have to work hard for what you want. That's agency, and that's true love, and I promise if you'll just try it - just give it some time and effort and really work at it for a while, you will come to know the wisdom in His plan. It's pure genius. All of it.
Check it out sometime, yeah? :D
All the Love I've Got,
Dallin

When I grow up, I want to sing in the car with my wife as loudly or softly as we please, and I want to laugh with her. I want to be really joyful with her. I want to learn the harmonies and sing the songs and find the happiness. I want to feel alive with her.

A Step In The Right Direction

Little. I feel so small. 
Like I'm drowning in my own soul.
I don't feel the belief in myself that radiated so strongly in me at the beginning of the semester.
I don't like feeling like this. I like to feel strong. I like to feel confident. Today I feel neither of those things.
And I know that I am strong. I know that I am confident. But I don't feel it. It's not just a mental thing. I feel it physically too. I feel weak. It's not true. I'm stronger than ever. I did 27 pullups in a row the other day. 260 pushups in 10 minutes. Squated 285 pounds. I am strong. But I don't feel it.
I feel isolated. Cold. Separated. It's interesting. I don't feel alone. I know there are people around me and people who love me. I feel their love. But I'm not sure that I love myself. Or rather, I'm not sure that I love my actions, which I sometimes use to define myself. I do love myself.
My actions aren't bad. I haven't committed any great sins or anything. I really act in an overwhelmingly good way most of the time. I just feel stagnant. Like the devil has got a hold of me and it's sixes. I'm not moving, and neither is he.
It's good to express this feeling. Contrary to my original thought, it makes me a little bit happy to write this down. I feel like I'm lifting a weight off of my soul. But I know it won't stay away for long. It's like throwing a boulder up in the air, giving me a moment of relief followed by the crushing forces of its return.
I want so much to feel good. But I don't. I feel tired.
I don't feel like I can do anything great today. But I can do something.
Today I am going to put away my laundry.
Tomorrow I am going to commit to something else, and I'm going to do it.
Though it takes moving an inch at a time and pulling against the devil every step of the way, I'm going to break this. I can do this. I am strong, I am patient, and I am a child of God. 

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 12

Right now I feel angry. It's the type of feeling that makes me want to go run and punch and kick and exude all my energy until there is none left. I feel like I want to destroy something. But I know that's not right. The will to destroy out of anger is always wrong. It's my ego trying to make me validate my poor choices through its will. But I won't.
Ego, you are of the devil, and I am of God. You and I are not the same. That's a big statement. Today I made mistakes. Today I allowed myself to be angry at things beyond my control, and things that are not my fault, though I view them as mine. Today I allowed myself to be pulled into the nothingness you would have me live. I'm all about unity and the oneness of humankind, but with you I am not willing to be one. You are not me. We are not the same. We are different.
I am Virtuous.
I am Knowledgeable.
I am Temperate.
I am Patient.
I am Kind.
I am of God.
I am Charitable.
I am Humble.
I am Diligent.
My name is Dallin Ward, and I am a son of God. I love Him. I have the opportunity to come to this Earth and grow and become better. My mission is to become like Christ, even unto perfection. I will succeed. The devil can only hold me as long as I fear him, and I fear him less all the time. I am growing stronger. The devil will only fail. His strength is entirely a facade. There is nothing true, honest, strong, or good about him. He is the purposeful rejection of light. I choose light.
Today I feel like I failed. I feel like I didn't have a particularly good day yesterday either. Tomorrow I may not have a particularly good day. I don't know yet. But I BELIEVE. I believe it will be. If it's not, and if the week after it isn't, and if the year and year after that isn't, I will never lose my faith that I will overcome. I believe in Christ. He is my savior, my redeemer, my friend. He will help me overcome.
Another day begins soon. Here we go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irX0E4-mc9U

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 11

Today I struggled to keep on my schedule. That seems to be a theme this week, and I need to improve on that. I got up on time and everything, I just didn't follow my schedule. Good day though. I got to go up and do a little bit of wrestling, and that made it even better. I think I'm still lagging from Tuesday and no sleep for Wednesday.
I could have finished today in a lot better of a way. I had the opportunity to finish it well and I didn't. I would do well to do better at that.
I feel discouraged tonight, but I can do better tomorrow. I can still get to bed on time, but I think I'll sleep in an hour tomorrow morning. Maybe two. I need some sleep.

The 60 Day Challenge: Days 9 and 10

To be fair to myself, these days really are not separate memories. They're the same day to me. I hardly remember a lot of it. I've only slept about an hour in the last 48. (As of last night, when this post was supposed to have been posted. ;) )
The vlog for end of day 9 / beginning of day 10:

To clarify, I really didn't sleep at all night of day 9. Up from 8:00 to 6:45 working on the trebuchet. I was so close to finishing. If only I could get that silly cable to hold. It snapped twice. At about 7:20 I decided that a bath was in good order. It would relax me, and maybe help get some of the black out of my hands that wouldn't come out. Well, I fell asleep in the bathtub for a about 40 minutes. I didn't get all the gunk out of my hands, but I did get a little bit of sleep. ;)

Day 10 was a good day. It could have been otherwise, but I chose to make it good. I was late for, and fell asleep for part of seminary, but stayed awake for an amount which was surprising to me. Physics was next, and the group that I was (kind of) with had built another trebuchet. I wasn't allowed to get credit with theirs because I didn't help build it, but my teacher, (Mr. Pope) said that I could still get credit for finishing mine, it would just be late.
I skipped Political Lit so that I could get the reading done for World Civ, and I had a difficult time staying awake to read. I would look at the screen, read a paragraph, begin to think that I was going to stay awake to read more, and then wake up 30 seconds later wondering what had happened. I fell asleep while logging in to class, and ended up 7 minutes late. I began the login 5 minutes early. Whoops. xD The worst part is that I'm class president in that class. Then, the entire class, I would just begin to think that I was really paying attention, and I'd fall asleep again. Pro tip for staying awake in class: don't pull allnighters.
Then I had advanced conditioning. It was a difficult class. I told my friend Sadie that I had only had 40 minutes of sleep, and she told me I shouldn't have come to class. xD Oh well. I got through it. I'm curious exactly how much the lack of sleep made my body drag. I'd like to do that workout again to see. Don't tell the people in my class that I want to do it again. ;) It was a punishment workout. Apparently the class treated the substitute poorly on Monday. I don't know. Wasn't there.
Then I came home to a SBP meeting, which was excellent. More than excellent. I love my team. :D
After that I tried to plan the rest of my evening to get something productive done, but then the drag really hit, and I couldn't think straight enough to walk straight, not to mention do homework. So I took a shower and swept the floor and read my scriptures and went to bed about 8:00. Now it's day 11, and I'm sitting on 9 hours of sleep and feel great. It's a good day! Praise the Lord! :D


Scriptures I read / listened to today:
'Meeting the Challenges of Today's World' by Elder Robert D. Hales

People I researched today:
Jane Edward Davies (KWVC-4PY) (You're welcome to do some research on her if you'd like to. :) I'm having trouble finding her parents.)

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 8

Okay, I've got 4 minutes to wrap this up and be in the shower, but I'll do what I can.
Today was a good day. I woke up at 4:00 instead of 5:00 because I forgot daylight savings. Whoops. xD It was nice to have an extra hour in the morning though. I had a strong cup of ginger tea with a big spoonful of honey, and it was tasty. I'm still not over the sickness I had all weekend, which is really a bummer, because my throat hurts a lot, and I don't like that. The mucus has mostly gone away which I am SO THANKFUL FOR, but it seems to be coming back tonight. We'll see what happens.
Because I don't want to get other people sick with this nastiness, I skipped school today, which actually ended up working to my advantage because I spent most of the day working on my trebuchet for physics, which is due tomorrow. I'm getting close. It's so much fun. ^_^ I'll post pictures of it later if I remember. I'd really like to.
Other than that, I took the deer, (All 3 of them) to the butcher today, caught a knuckle on my left hand with the grinder, (It's not bad) put up flags for the scout fundraiser, ate food, (painfully) and had a really good day. I've got to go now. Have a wonderful evening. ^_^

A thought to end the day with,
The interesting thing about mirrors is that we seldom look into them to gain our own perspective, but rather to gain the perspective of other people about our own appearance. Maybe it's more relevant to see what we think of ourselves.

P.S. 1 Peter: 3 is an excellent chapter of scripture and I recommend it highly.

The 60 Day Challenge, Days 1-7

It's hard to believe that I started this 7 days ago. Time is moving so quickly.

Overall it's been a week full of ups and downs. I've broken a lot of commitments and wasted a lot of time. Haven't slept when I'm supposed to. Haven't practiced the piano like I'm supposed to. Haven't really done anything *when* I was supposed to do it outside of scheduled classes. Until Friday my schedule was been in shambles. Still working on the weekends.

Let's back up and talk about what this challenge is for a moment so that the reader actually knows what I'm doing.
The 60 day challenge is a challenge I created for myself to help me live a happier and more fulfilling life. Here are the things it entails:

1. Going to bed at 9:00 pm and waking up at 5:00 am every day, including Sundays.
   This is really important. I need to get consistent sleep if I want to be productive, efficient, and focused. And happy. :D
2. Beginning and finishing every day with quality prayer, meditation, and scripture study. This is the balm for my soul to begin and end every day with. This challenge is hard, and that's all there is to it. I don't have a lot of time to talk with and be with friends, and that is really difficult for me. I am fueled by connection. To miss out on it is painful for me. My friends are so important. 
3. Doing family history every day, at very least a few minutes worth. I have about 20 minutes scheduled. 
   I have a calling in the church as Family History Consultant, and one of the promised blessings of fulfilling that calling is that I will find time for all the other things I want to do in life. That was promised to me, and I'm sticking God to it. 
4. Scheduling my life so that I don't have to waste time thinking about what I need to do next, including a overview and review at the beginning and end of each day to assess my progress. This means using a daily planner. In my case, the SAR.
   This is helpful because I am apt to misuse a lot of time thinking and not doing. It's in my nature. I love to think. I will think for hours and hours about things that are interesting to me and not even bat an eye. Life is fascinating. I just have got to keep my eye on the things that will make me feel fulfilled in the future.

Why am I doing this?

Primarily because I want to live a happy and fulfilling life. One of the important qualities of such a life is being debt free. If I can keep good grades and all my commitments on this challenge, I should be able to put myself through 4 years of college for free, which means no student loans. That's huge. Debate me as you will, but I strongly believe that he who owes money to another man is a slave to his creditor, and I am not willing to be a slave. I pray that the Lord will guide me in wise paths that I may never be in debt. It is not worth my freedom. 

One of the important reasons I wish to remain free from debt is that I do not want to grow up and be in debt and have to choose the bank over my family. Is this easy? No. It probably means that for a lot of my young married life my wife and I will live rather meagerly. I'm okay with that, and I pray that she will be too. It pays off. Debt is such a strain on marriage. I think that it's probably just as much a strain as a child asking why we're having beans and rice again and saying that they don't want it, or feeling like a poor husband because I can't take my wife out to dinner or I'll break the budget, but I've never been there, so it's hard for me to say. 

Also, this is my senior year of wrestling. I want it to be meaningful. I want to walk sincerely out with no regrets. None in school, none in wrestling, none in faith, none in family. I know I can and will walk out of this year having given an incredible amount to the sport of wrestling. The question is, can I walk out happy with my efforts? Can I have a clean conscience and a clear mind? I will choose to be happy come what may, but I don't want to have to come to terms with my shortcomings first. 

There is more to say, but I've got to go get ready for bed. I'm going to do better at posting every day this week. 

Here we go! 

The 60 Day Challenge Overview

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be on a really tight schedule, with pretty rigorous commitments. Things which need to happen if I'm going to have a successful semester.
I'm really scared. I'm terrified. It's going to be really difficult, and very fulfilling, and involve a lot of growing pains. Because of these things, I'm going to blog about it so that I can vent frustrations and improve as I go. As of right now I need to go to bed.
I'll explain the challenge more as I go.
Here we go!
http://thoughtsofasimpledreamer.blogspot.com/2014/12/ready-set-go.html

Where Eternity Touches the Sky: An Original Poem

I felt like I could see you
If I stood on top of the world
And the vastness of our separation
Would be smaller as I beheld the nation
So I found a grand staircase in a little old town
In the back of the shop where they made the king's crown
'Hind a dusty old picture as large as a man
Was a creaky old door.
No lock on the door, past the stubborn brown hinge
So I opened it slowly, and softly went in.
The staircase extended to the top of the world
Round and again it gently unfurled.
A day or two later I came out on top
All was gentle, all was still, and I came to a stop.
And I looked and beheld that the world is so large,
Our distance then became small.
So I called to you then and somehow you heard,
And you went to the staircase in the small little town
In the back of the shop where they made the king's crown.
And you found the old picture as large as a man
Where the door is with the hinges a little off tan.
I met you there, and for a day or two we
Climbed the stairs so on top of the clouds we could be.
Soon we came out on top, and the stillness still was
In the place where before I had taken a pause.
And we sat in the moment so peaceful and still
With a cup of serenity we wished not to spill.
Soon spill it we did, but no crying did we,
As we danced to the soft song of life in our glee.
We danced and we sang and the songs were so sweet
Our harmonies glistened as we flowed with our feet.
Time stops for a moment to observe you and I
Radiant and young, unbelievably free.
On the top of the world God created.

In the place where the world and eternity meet
There is none so thankful as I.
For I called, and you came, and forever we'll be
Where eternity touches the sky.