Awkward and Imperfect

Today I'm realizing something that I think is really important. I do really awkward things, and I feel awkward a lot. Weird.
This is a new development for me. Not the awkwardness, but the realization of it. I've been told bunches of times that I'm an awkward person, but I never had realized how unokay I've been with this. I realize how angry I've become at the thought of it.
Me. Awkward? Never.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to act awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to feel awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that I am not worth loving when seen as awkward.
So I've tried to hide it.

Another development which I've observed recently is the habit of becoming angry when I'm not perfect, or when other people bring up my imperfections. This is a habit that I think is particularly damaging. Those people who I have observed with this trait are not very much fun to be around, and they seem to spend most of their time in deep self-analysis trying to make sure that everything they do is perfect. The problem I see is that I've yet to observe one of those people who actually got there that way. They spend most of their time being bitter and miserable about the fact that they're not perfect.
Am I becoming this kind of person?
I've certainly spent a lot of time feeling angry and tense lately. Is this why?

Christ said that all those who are struggling and feel weighed down should come to Him, and He will give them rest. I like the sound of that. Carrying all of this perfection around with me all the time is really a chore, and I think it's unnecessary. While God did say that no unclean thing can enter into His kingdom, He also created a Savior for mankind because He knew that we wouldn't make it there unspotted, and He wants us to make it back to Him. He really wants us to come home.

As much as I hate to say it, I am going to sin today.
I'm going to sin tomorrow too.
And the next day.

I don't like those thoughts. Not at all. I don't like being imperfect. In fact, I really hate it quite a lot. I just want to be a perfect man so that I can do all the perfect things and help all of the people in the perfect way. I really do want to help people. I just feel like I am so incapable because of my imperfections.

Somewhere else I learned to believe that if I'm not perfect, I'm not worthy of love. What a lie.
Lucifer, you scoundrel. Get out of my life. I don't want you here, and I'm SO TIRED OF YOUR LIES. I'M SO TIRED OF YOU TELLING ME SUCH BLATANTLY FALSE THINGS. GO. AWAY.

I'm so tired of believing those things. :-/

I could tell the truth about this here. I could write another feel good post about how the Savior loves me and I could do a massive transformation and turn-around in thought like I've done in a hundred other posts. It could seem triumphant and like I've finally overcome some deep dark challenge in my soul, and it could come off as a really impressive post. I'm not sure that it would do me any good though, because I need to do more than feel good. I need to actually change. More than knowing that He loves me, I need to trust Him that He can actually do what He says He can do. I need to trust Him that He actually can redeem me, and that I am loved and worth loving any way I go.

I feel like I'm climbing and Christ is my belayer. He's looking up at me and yelling, "KEEP GOING, YOU'RE DOING GREAT!" And I'm looking back down at Him and saying, "HI JESUS! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BELAYING ME, BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN CATCH ME! I LOVE YOU!"

I wonder how Jesus handled awkward situations. Did He have them? Maybe a better question is, what is awkwardness?
For me, awkwardness has been translated into a fear of being unloved. I think this is why I studder in my speech and am hesitant in my action. I think it's because I'm afraid that if I mess up I will not be loved. Is that really a true belief? No. Of course not. To be awkward is to be awkward and to be unloved is to be unloved. They are not the same. I want to learn to know the difference.

Jesus, believing in You is really hard for me sometimes. I really struggle to trust You. Please help me to do better. I want to do better. I want to let you carry the burden of perfectionism for me, because I cannot do it alone. I do not want to feel inadequate anymore. I want to feel of your grace and love for me. I know it is there, and I'm trying to believe. Please help me.

Love,
Dallin

A Journey: An Original Poem

I'd rather be on a boat that sails
On a windswept ocean with sailors' tales.
Or a place that is cool like the dawn of the sun
Where the world reborn awakes as one.
In jungles in deserts on mountains on wings
I wish I could do just one of these things.
My life as it sits is really quite glum
I wake up still tired and retire quite numb.
My waist is still growing as my pocketbook shrinks
Good news, the market has a sale on cold drinks!
I think I'll go get one and then I'll feel well.
Oh yes, the cream soda! I'll buy all they will sell.
And then I'll come home, and feeling rather amused,
I'll reread the books I've already perused.
Oh this will be grand, I can tell it is so!
Now to the market I quickly will go.

I'm home from the market, and uncertain what to feel.
A con man with a cane robbed my bubbly white meal.

While at the market in my dear isle three,
An old man nearby started talking with me.
He noticed my unkempt and frazzled delight
At the soda full stocked that would last me all night.
"Why so much soda?" He asked with a beam.
A sneaky approach to his devilish scheme.
I said, "it's for me, and I like it a bunch!"
He smirked and shot back, "I had a bit of a hunch."
In that moment my waistband, it grew like a weed!
The outlandish pronouncement of my size he'd decreed!
"HOW DARE YOU?!?" I REBUFFED,
My hair was all bristly and my cheeks were all puffed.
I was angry, it was sure, and about to attack
But he sat there so still and he softly looked back.
"Why are you here on this Earth?" he replied,
Looking gentle and calm with his cane by his side.
Now completely unbalanced I looked at him baffled,
My answer lay dead on the hangman's thought scaffold.
"Why am I here?" I thought to myself
Wishing I knew, and that I were an elf.
For the elves are so wise.. let's lay that thought to rest.
The Lord of the Rings is undoubted the best.
Now back to the story, I knew not the rebut
So I stood there considering the size of MY butt.
And how he STOOD THERE IN PUBLIC
HE REPROVED MY LARGE SIZE
I wanted nothing so much as a shot at his eyes.
But he saw this in me and with a polite little nod
Pushed away his little cart and didn't think it was odd.
And I stood there and watched him walk away with such grace
I hope no one saw the shame on my face.
The soda replaced, I shuffled out of the store.
No joy in my heart, I was struck to the core.

Looking back at this memory through the lens of much time
I see this day like a blessing, and not like a crime.
For this was the day that I saw there was more
Than the next thrilling novel, and the cheap soda store.
But not just more world that I had not yet known.
My novels had pictures, and the wonders they'd shown.
But I somehow had never believed I could do
All the things that I read in the books with the crew.
With the question of why I was here, my life changed.
I realized my thoughts were often deranged.
I CAN go to Paris and I CAN sail a ship.
So I made some life changes and started planning my trip.
I quit buying soda, and the novels went too
All the money was saved and the fund slowly grew.
Still it wasn't enough, so I found some more work
It payed really poorly, there wasn't much of a perk.
But my fund slowly grew and I was feeling alive
Instead of at ten, I woke up at five!
And I went to bed early for I wanted good sleep
And about my small trials I seldom did weep.
I sold my TV and I bought a new bike,
Turns out exercise is actually something I like!
A while later I made a friend who kindly asked me
If I'd like to come with him, and serve kids in Haiti.
That trip changed my life, and I learned how to give
I decided that's how I wanted to live.

Many trips later, I write from a boat
On the windswept ocean near an island remote.
I ponder the man and his question long ago
"Why are you here on this Earth?" Do I know?
And I think that I finally do understand -
This life came out more than I ever had planned.
I've seen countries and peoples and helped them along.
I danced with the children and they taught me their song.
In the jungles I helped give birth to a child
It made the jungles look tame - that night was wild.
I've loved and been loved and my heart feels so bright.
I found God somewhere in there, and He gave me His light.
Tonight I believe that the answer is clear
I know my purpose - I know why I'm here.
I'm here to love, and to give and to be.
Thanks God, I know now how much You love me.

I love You too.

Love Remains - An Original Poem

I stand apart. 

Pondering my soul, 

Considering the pieces, 

And examining them. 

I begin removing 

All the things 

Unlike my God, 

And I listen. 

A voice speaks 

In quiet opposition; 

At first subtle 

And then fierce. 

It tells me 

I am nothing, 

And the Devil 

Sits and laughs. 

Walking with God 

I am unafraid; 

And so I 

Look to Him. 

God smiles softly 

Unafraid of Lucifer. 

He guides me, 

Teaching of love. 

We prune me; 

It hurts deeply. 

I trust Him. 

Only love remains

Enjoying Where I'm At

The past week has been such an interesting week for me. So many awesome and incredible things have happened. :D I went on two dates, worked a full week at the feed store, got called to be a temple worker, had stake conference, read Donald Miller's book Scary Close twice because I liked it so well, finally got my Eagle paperwork wrapped up, began planning for a date, (A BIG date with lots of people) which I am quite happy about, and had stake conference. I could talk about all of these things and each one I would have something to say about, (I usually do have something to say. ;) ) and I don't think I'm going to talk about any of them specifically. Instead, I'm going to talk about what I've learned through these things because this is really important to me.

This week I learned that I would do well to stop and enjoy what I'm doing more. I've learned that so often I become so focused on where I'm going and how to get there that I forget to enjoy where I'm at right now. Especially in my relationships with my friends. Especially my relationships with my close friends. The people who I'm close to I generally have a purpose and vision for in my head, and I know where I want that relationship to go. Sometimes I feel really manipulative about that. I felt like that a lot this weekend. I began to doubt whether or not I could actually have real relationships with people, and I began to believe that all I did was manipulate people for a twisted sense of power. I began to feel really selfish, and even wondered if I was good for the world at all. I wondered if I could actually be real with people instead of just acting, and if I ever took off the mask and let people see me for who I am.
I definitely didn't think I was brave enough to let people see me.
Honestly, I got pretty far away from my post last week about obeying and not fearing. I was really deep into fear and shame. I allowed myself to believe that I wasn't even worthy of love.

I'm really fascinated with the way Christ felt sorrow. I think there is a lot more there than I understand yet. He felt such deep sorrow as the world has never felt before, and all of it He felt without doubt and without fear. I guess what this means is that his faith in His Father was unconditional. It had no conditions of being for Him to feel it. It was regardless of anything else. Unconditional faith. I want to be like that. What are my conditions for faith? Do I put conditions that I expect God to meet for me to believe in Him?

Okay. Back to where I was trying to go before I got distracted. Enjoying where I'm at.
I've noticed this particularly with one friendship of mine. Honestly, it may be the best friendship that I have. And yet I so often feel so displeased with myself and with this friendship, and I become so confused as to why this is. When I'm uncertain of something and I'm not dealing with it well, I generally have one of two reactions, neither of which have anything to do with reveling in the uncertainty. I either shut down firmly or I do something hasty to try and get a quick fix to the perceived problem. When I do deal with the uncertainty well, I find joy in it and look forward to finding creative solutions to difficult problems. The apostle James talks about this, and I think what he says is really wise. He says,

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

I think what he's trying to tell me really is this: it's okay to be where you are, even if where you are is not what you had in mind. Rejoice in the fact that you have the ability to overcome! In time and with patient effort, everything will work out. I promise.

I like the Bible. It says some really important things, and they help me a lot.

Today I am going to make an effort to slow down and rejoice in the things which have gone so beautifully in my life. Things like this flower. This comes from a beautiful day in my life. What a wonderful life it is. :)
Thank you, Father!

Pain, Patience, and Trust - A Guest Post By Savannah Lorcher

“Try to exclude the possibility of suffering...and you find that you have excluded life itself.”

-C.S. Lewis

You guys. Pain is admirable. Pain is strength. Please don’t hide from it. Here’s why.

Pain and joy are like a pendulum; always swinging back and forth. This is what I am calling the “pain” factor. The further you swing into pain, the further you’ll swing into joy. This is the “patience” factor. However, if you try to block the possibility of pain, you also block the possibility of joy. This is the “trust factor.” Each is essential to your eternal happiness, and I’ll explain why.


1). The Pain Factor
Think about it--one of the most important parts of the atonement is to take away our pains, and our sins, but also so we can find happiness. If we try to block our pain, we are wasting part of this incredible gift and blessing. Why would we do that? Christ gave his life for us. Let us vow to use his atonement to the fullest. Christ gave his life so we could be happy and clean, and eventually return to him one day. He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, sweating drops of blood out of the pain. He knew we were going to hurt. He knew we were going to suffer and cry, distraught with sorrow. He knew that we would be reduced to utter nothingness buy some of the trials that are in store for us. So he suffered for our sins, he knows our pain. If he suffered for the sins and afflictions of all the world, our personal sins and afflictions being just a fraction of the pain he felt, why are we putting this pain to waste? EMBRACE YOUR PAIN. REVEL IN IT. GROW IN IT. EXPAND IN IT. YOU GROW THROUGH PAIN. You become the person you were meant to be through coming unto Christ, and one of the ways he intended us to come unto him is through our afflictions.

The reason why pain is strength is because it takes courage to feel your pain. It takes courage and strength to leave our heart and soul vulnerable. It is admirable. A human who can grow, love, serve, cherish, and strengthen through their pain is strong. So strong. I look up to them. So please. Let the pain in. Because joy always comes next.


2). The Patience Factor
Sometimes, the process of “swinging back” takes a while. Pain can stretch on for a long time. But you have to be patient in your happiness. You have to have patience in goodness. Because God doesn’t hate us. He loves us. More than we can imagine. So he’s not going to just hand us a problem, then kick us out of his sight and let us deal with it on his own. No. Never. He’ll always be there. Guiding, comforting, supporting. Even when you are in pain and life seems bleak, there is always good. He wants to give us everything he has. He just has to make sure we’re worthy. So have patience in his goodness. Have patience that the joy will come. Have patience that the Lord has our backs. He won’t let us down. Not ever. We only let him down.

Can I tell you something? I often feel alone. I often feel abandoned. I am still working on a sense of fulfilment. It is a trial and heartache of mine. Yet I know it will change soon. I know that it’ll all work out. I know that Christ is there for me. I know he loves me. So if I can have faith, you can too :). I know it can be hard. Patience is not easy. But this isn’t a mortal ailment. This is an eternal blessing. Your faithfulness will either make or break your eternal happiness in these crucial moments. So stay strong. You got this.

I’ve been in many instances where the swinging, or patience, phase seems to stretch on forever. When the pain and heartache are unrelenting. But swing it did. Relent it did. Your patience will be under constant pressure. But bad things end. Pain goes away. When I say, “you got this”, I’m not just saying it. I know it. I believe in it. I believe in you.


3). The Trust Factor

Trust is, in my opinion, the most crucial factor of this entire equation. Here’s why.

When you block the pain, when you push it out, you’re also pushing out the joy. Because the pendulum can’t swing when you have it tied in place. So you have to trust that the pain you’re feeling is supposed to be there. You have to trust that it’s all part of something good. Something true. Something strong.

Each three of these factors are essential to your eternal happiness. I hope you know that. I hope you embrace it. I hope you love your pain. Your pain is beautiful. Your pain is stunning. Wear it with the dignity of someone strong.
Your joy is beautiful. Your joy is stunning. Wear it with the dignity of someone kind. 

This post was very painful for me to write. Why? Because it describes what’s going on inside me right now. I’m fighting a constant battle in my heart-to be choose happiness, goodness, and light or to choose misery, bleakness, emptiness. I don’t know why I’m having these struggles. I don’t know what they’re preparing me for. I don’t know why I choose to endure them. I don’t know how they are changing me. I DON’T KNOW.  I.  DON’T.  KNOW. I really don’t. It’s painful. It’s a struggle. A war even. I just have to trust. I have to have patience. I have to keep the Spirit of God with me whenever I can.

That’s how I know I’ll conquer.

Savannah



Savannah is a friend of mine. Her blog can be found here. :) http://thesavsadventures.blogspot.com/

Obey, and Do Not Fear

The Lord said, "It is better to obey than to sacrifice."
He also said, "Look unto Me in every thought, doubt not, fear not."
When the Lord said, "Doubt not, fear not." He wasn't joking. Neither was He joking when He proclaimed to Saul that obedience is much more important than sacrifice.
No matter how gloomy and difficult the situation seems to be, God's answer is "Doubt not, fear not" and His commandment is to obey.
Will you obey?

I wrote that paragraph yesterday in a burst of inspiration and brilliance from God. Now I feel terrified by what I have written. xD LOOK AT THIS. It is SUCH A CALL TO ACTION. It's incredible. This requires so much faith to follow.
Donald Miller wrote one of my favorite books in the world. It's called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, and I recommend it highly. In it, he said,

“And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time.”

This is how I feel right now. I have a taste of it. A taste of what God is trying to give me. Absolute and complete faith in Him. Perfect love. Eternal happiness. It's there, waiting, and He is offering it to me freely. Do I have the courage to take it?

Honestly, I'm not sure if I have that kind of courage right now. I do have the courage to try, however. And to try again. And again.

Let's go back up to what God is saying up there. I'm not sure if the connection between the two verses is super solid to you yet. Here's where I'm going with this.
Once there was a boy named Dallin, and he had the bad habit of making excuses against listening to the Lord. Dallin believed in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, though he often told himself that he wasn't worthy to partake of it. Who was he to make Christ suffer for his sins? So he sacrificed his happiness for shame and told the Lord that he wasn't worthy of being healed. The Lord, meanwhile, looked down upon Dallin and hoped he would eventually obey the commandment to repent. He knew that Dallin was so close to something great, and that Dallin just needed to stop trying to sacrifice and start obeying His word, which was,
"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give thee rest."

Eventually, I got it. And I'm still learning to trust Him. There is rest in Him.

Rephrased, God is essentially telling us this:
"There is no place you can go, no thing you can do, and no misery you can feel that I cannot help you with, as long as you have even the desire to have faith in Me. Here's what you have to understand. I am God. There is nothing that can happen to you that I cannot make good out of. So rejoice! We can do this together."

I'm going to work on this. Today. Tonight. Right now. Never a doubt, never a fear. This shall be my goal.

Thank you, God!

Anyway: An Original Poem

What does it mean 

To hurt for a friend?

Can I actually...

Feel their pain?

And what of the..

moments.

Where I'm the one

Who hurts.

Is my pain felt?

Do others know what..

It's like?

Loneliness moves

Like a river.

Churning, gushing..

Pulling.

Blackness lies beneath.

And I'm told

That there is light.

Above me.

A hand reaching..

For mine.

Do I have the strength..

To..

Reach back?

I am so thankful

For the moments

Where I didn't..

Reach.

And my friends

Pulled me up

Anyway.

What Friendship Is

Friendship is such a wonderful concept. :D
It says, "Hey, you're a human! I'm a human too! Let's share some of our lives with each other!"
And then they do. :)
Lately, I've been learning a lot about friendship and relationships and love. I could speak for a long time about this, and tonight I'm not going to do that. This post will be short.
Tonight I was given what I now consider to be the best description of friendship I've ever heard before by a friend of mine. She said,

"I've seen many friendships go stagnant in my life. But I still trust them. I still believe in them. I am not ashamed of me in front of them."-Savannah Lorcher

"I am not ashamed of me in front of them."

Is this not what friendship is?




P.S. This is Savannah's blog. :)

I Don't Know What To Name This Post. 'Overcoming Emotional Garbage and Shame Gremlins', Maybe? xD

Sometimes I feel like such a poor friend.
I feel like I fail so often to show my friends how much I really care about them, and I'm not certain how often I succeed.
:-/
I just want to be a better man. I'm trying so hard.
I feel so tired.
Can I ever really know that they know I love them? I'm not sure. I want them to know.
A poem which I was given once came to my mind a lot today. It begins:

I am no proper friend, I feel
My heart gone numb, my colors steel.

This is how I feel today.
I want to reach out and give love to these people, and I feel this incredible amount of demotivation to do so. It's like there is this fear.  Deep fear. Blinding fear. Deafening fear. It fills my senses until there is little but blankness. Numbness.
I feel like I'm constantly turning people away. Honestly, sometimes I'm amazed that other people actually talk with me. Why would they talk with me? I constantly push them away from me. In my thoughts, in my deeds, in my tones of voice. Rarely do I push away with my words.
I feel so tired.
Pain pain pain pain.
I feel boggled. Distracted. Even alone.
Alone.
I don't feel like that an awful lot of the time. Sometimes I do. I am not alone, however.
See, the reality of the situation is that I am one of a race of several billion living people. From the perspective of all humanity who ever lived, my situation is not unique.
I am not alone.
There are those who have felt this before. They made it. So can I. They will help me and cheer me on because those who really experienced what I experience in the way which I experience believe the same things which I believe. They believe that these things can be overcome. And then they do it.
I do not belong with the pessimists nor those who never overcame. That is not who I am determined to be. I strive for something greater. I strive to be a better man and I BELIEVE that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I will overcome all things.
I was not created to end.
Let's say that again.
I was not created to end.
There will be endings and there will be things which come to a close. I am not one of those. My name is Dallin Ward and I was CREATED ON PURPOSE BY A GOD WHO LOVES ME.
And I love Him too.

*Breathes*
Okay. I can do this. This is manageable.
Today I am not a perfect man. I may put off and ignore my friends and myself. I may speak things which people find hurt in. I may make great mistakes and lose friends who I really loved. In the end, I may lose all my friends. And I may not. I just don't know. Here's what I do know:
I am loved.
I am worthy of love.
I am capable of sharing love with other people.
Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer, and I love Him.

Let's go from there. :)
Thank you, Father!

Love,
Dallin

You Are Alone: A Comprehensive List of Why God Hates You

Today I Did Something Difficult

Last night I had a conversation with my Aunt Lucy that went along these lines:

L: You want to do Malad's Got Talent. I know you want to perform.
D: Not really.
L: Yeah you do.
D: Ahhh. Ehh.. No. Not really.
L: It's your last year at home, come on, Dal!
D: I don't want to.
L: You're going to.
D: .... I don't even know what I'd do.

Well shucks.

This sparked a 3 hour discussion on what would take place the next day involving handstands, flips, humor, and what ended up being an incredible amount of vulnerability for me.

Oh, and jedi wrestling.

Ever since I was little I've been performing. I first got on stage at the tender age of 7 with my brothers by my side and my Grandma at the piano. Singing and performing hasn't been a problem for me. It comes naturally. This, however, this was something different. I was CREATING this act, and it wasn't a song. It wasn't a poem. It wasn't set in stone, and there was no memorized script. More than that, it was comedy.
COMEDY.
I don't know how well you are acquainted with me, and you should know this if you're not. Comedy is not my jam. I feel so inadequate about my comedic skills. Give me a poem or a song or tell me to do a handstand on top of that thing, and I'm in my comfort zone. Tell me to run 53 minutes of stairs or do a thousand pushups or go talk to a stranger or ask a girl on a date or do a handstand on that other thing, and I'm still in my comfort zone. Tell me that I'm leaving tomorrow to spend the next two months in Europe, and that's definitely in my comfort zone. I can do that. No worries there.
But comedy?
Yeah, not my cup of tea. By nature, I tend to like to control situations. Comedy is one I'm not confident that I can control. Especially when working with another person. Alone, I could probably put together a fairly decent comedy show and perform it myself and feel pretty good about it. This time I wasn't alone. My brother Spencer was involved, and we were getting input from Lucy. Spencer's humor I get along with really well. Lucy's I don't always. I think that yo mamma jokes are dumb. Regardless, I was thankful for her input, and could see how valuable it was, so I tried to stop talking and start listening more. Still my ego was getting in the way and I felt like I had to interject myself into every single thing that was happening. Going to bed last night I felt so raw and vulnerable and terrified about what was going to happen today that I hoped a little bit that it wouldn't happen.
This ended up being a great exercise in trust for me.
The fact was that I couldn't control this whole performance. It was put together too quickly, was too disorganized, had too much unscripted material, and had too much humor for me to control. It also had Spencer in it, and as I was calming myself and trying to prepare to go on stage, I found myself trying to control his emotions too - trying to make him have the stage presence which I thought he should have. The one I was afraid he wasn't going to have. The one I was afraid *I* wasn't going to have.
My shame gremlins were having a field day.
"He's going to ruin it for you!" They told me very distinctly. "He's too nervous and not engaged! He's not going to smile! You knew this was a bad idea, and you did it anyway! We told you! You can't do this!"
As I prepared, I prayed, and put effort into clearing my head and focusing on what was going to happen and what I could do about it. I came to realize that there was absolutely nothing I could do about how Spencer felt or acted, and that it really was possible that he could ruin the show. I realized that *I* was preemptively ruining the show by trying to control the end result. So I decided to let it go, open my heart, and just give what I had.
It was terrifying.
I allowed the feelings of nervousness and vulnerability to come, welcomed them into my heart, and HAD A BEAUTIFUL SHOW. :D
We didn't advance to the next round, even though I thought we were going to make it. My ego was displeased by the judge's decision. My joy, however, was greater than my ego in that moment, and I felt happy.
I felt so accepted and loved by so many people, and by myself. I showed up and was present, and it made all the difference. I gave my heart to the moment and just felt joy. I felt connected to Spencer. We had a great time.
And, in the midst of it all, I got this wonderful accidental mantra inscribed on my wrist which defined my intentions going into it, and described my feelings coming out. That was cool. Flippin cool. ;)

What a wonderful day. Vulnerability is awesome. Showing up and being present is awesome. Love is awesome. Life is awesome. ^_^
Thanks, Lucy and Spencer. You guys rocked it. I'm so glad that I did this with you. This was good for me.
Dear reader, I hope you find something to open your heart to and be present in soon. It's amazing. :)
Thank you, God! :D