Odd things have happened to me since I've last written on this blog. I'm definitely a very different person than I was in 2016, and when I got back from serving as a missionary I didn't want to come back here to this blog because I wanted to be a new man - a different man than I was before. Like an old page in a beloved diary, I thought that this place was out of space to write anything more on.
Now I've come back, however, because there's something about the old posts that makes my insides stir with excitement and my mind begin to wonder and marvel at the world again like it used to. Really what I'm trying to say is that the things I have written here make me want to dream again because they are the dreams of my youth and I feel like I've forgotten how to dream as I've grown.
Have you ever thought of what it would be like to lay in a field of dandelions in full bloom? I can see it in my mind if I try. The picture that I see is of a landscape with rolling hills covered in yellow blossoms that smell sweet when you lay down in them and leave little green indents in the yellow carpet as you walk through. If you lay down, it's almost as if the carpet envelops you, hiding you, sheltering you from the eyes of those who would not understand your dreaming. This is what it's like to dream.
I've come back to this blog because I want to remind myself what it is to dream up a field of dandelions and fall in love with a woman with my heart. I feel like I've put away my ability to do both of those things, and I think that this was a fair and just thing to do as a missionary. But I am not a missionary anymore. Sometime I'll have to let myself fall more in love than my typical cycle of getting to know somebody just well enough to prove to myself that I should move along before I risk getting hurt.
The pain, I think, comes from commitment to action which is made impossible by the actions of somebody else and that's terrifying because I can't control it. What's worse is that there is no formula for love which means that I can't make a girl fall in love with me; she has to do that on her own. There are things outside of me which no amount of thought or worry can control, yet I can influence those things and I do every time I act.
There's another matter which has weighed upon my mind recently. It's a matter of eloquence and romance. I'm terrified of saying things that aren't true to a woman. I don't think I've told any woman since I left on my mission that I love her, except those who are members of my family and maybe two or three others who are dear friends of mine and have been for a long time. Not even in a friendly way have I said it. I don't think I've given hugs to more than a few women since I've been at BYU, and most of those are also old friends or acquaintances and that's odd for me because before my mission I hugged people like a minute hand moves. Now I don't. I just don't want to lie about how I feel. The thought of someone falling in love with me because they misinterpreted my communications to them is a thought that I don't like very much. I'm far colder in my interactions with women than I was before. Is that a good thing? I don't know.
What I do know is that I don't get excited about my relationships like I used to and when I say excited what I mean is that I don't dream because that's what excitement really is. Nobody is more excited than the wide-eyed dreamer. To him the heavens open and the Earth is beautiful. That's what I'm going for here. I want to be like that again. I know it won't be the same - there are things about me that should not go back to the way they were - but dreams and wide-eyed wonder are the shining attributes of children and lovers, and someday I'll be both of those. I'll be wise like an old man, too.
As for right now, it just feels good to write. I'm really thankful for having a blog to write on.
Have a nice day.
-Dallin
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Friday, February 8, 2019
Emperors Want to Conquer
It makes sense that emperors want to conquer. Imagine that France had won and controlled the entire American continent in the French and Indian War, leaving England without colonies. The economic development which could have formed out of such a success could have elevated France to a position of sufficient power to expand in Europe, taking control of the other countries around them.
Going along the same lines, if England still controlled the American continent, it is not a far stretch to think that they may now control a much greater share of the known world through empirical expansion.
If England kept the colonies, France may have one day ceased to exist.
If France kept the colonies, England may have one day ceased to exist.
What kinds of incredible knowledge and culture would be lost if all the world were English?
Even if they are greedy blowhards, emperors and kings serve an important purpose when they expand their power and lands: they preserve their culture and belief systems from being destroyed by the other cultures and belief systems.
It is as if all of the empires of the world check and balance each other with war to keep their ideas alive. I'm not a proponent of war or conquest, (in fact, all of the good things about war would be accomplished just as well if nobody ever went to war because nobody would attack and destroy other people and their beliefs) but I see now how it benefits society, culture, and human knowledge.
It makes sense that emperors conquer.
Going along the same lines, if England still controlled the American continent, it is not a far stretch to think that they may now control a much greater share of the known world through empirical expansion.
If England kept the colonies, France may have one day ceased to exist.
If France kept the colonies, England may have one day ceased to exist.
What kinds of incredible knowledge and culture would be lost if all the world were English?
Even if they are greedy blowhards, emperors and kings serve an important purpose when they expand their power and lands: they preserve their culture and belief systems from being destroyed by the other cultures and belief systems.
It is as if all of the empires of the world check and balance each other with war to keep their ideas alive. I'm not a proponent of war or conquest, (in fact, all of the good things about war would be accomplished just as well if nobody ever went to war because nobody would attack and destroy other people and their beliefs) but I see now how it benefits society, culture, and human knowledge.
It makes sense that emperors conquer.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
You Are Not Alone
Remember who you’re dependent on.
For food, you ought to thank the farmer. For life, you ought to thank God. For education, you ought to thank the teacher. For love, you ought to thank those who love you. Remember that you are not alone as long as you are alive - and you will be alive forever.
Everything you touch was made to remind you that you will never be alone because you depend on someone, and someone depends on you. If you don’t believe me, that’s fine! But if you do nothing in the world with your life, one day you will look back and see the people who needed you.
Maybe you can’t understand it now, but there are people who need you in exactly the same way that you need them. You are not alone.
For food, you ought to thank the farmer. For life, you ought to thank God. For education, you ought to thank the teacher. For love, you ought to thank those who love you. Remember that you are not alone as long as you are alive - and you will be alive forever.
Everything you touch was made to remind you that you will never be alone because you depend on someone, and someone depends on you. If you don’t believe me, that’s fine! But if you do nothing in the world with your life, one day you will look back and see the people who needed you.
Maybe you can’t understand it now, but there are people who need you in exactly the same way that you need them. You are not alone.
Sunday, February 3, 2019
College Week Four
Hi all. :D
It's been a few weeks since I've written about college here. I'm sorry about that. I have never been so busy in all of my life and I'm adjusting to that.
This week was so good. It was also the first week that I've fallen significantly behind on my schoolwork, but I have plans to make that better this week.
I've found that how I begin my day has a big impact on how my day goes. It doesn't determine it 100%, but it does have a large effect. My best days start like this:
5:30am: Wake up, pray, exercise.
6:15: Shower, dress.
6:45: Daily Planning.
7:15: Scripture Study, breakfast.
8:00: First class of the day.
This schedule always leaves me a little short on breakfast time, and I really like to cook and have good breakfasts, so I'm wondering if it would be better for me to get up at 5:00 and have an extra half-hour in the morning for breakfast, and then I can take a half-hour nap in the afternoon to compensate for a lack of sleep in the night. That sounds like a really good idea to me because this week I experimented quite heavily with naps. Seeing as I hardly slept more than six hours any night this week, (Even sleeping only three hours on Thursday night) I attempted the half-hour mid-day nap, (Which is something I've never been a fan of doing) and found that I really enjoyed it. It gave me a really nice restart in the middle of the day that kept me going on very little sleep.
My best days also have good endings. They end like this:
9:00pm: Begin getting ready for bed.
9:15: Write in journal.
9:30: Pray, go to sleep.
I think that if I changed the schedule to a 10:00 bedtime and a 5:00 wake-up time and supplemented it with a mid-day nap, that would be a really effective schedule for me. This week I'm going to try it. I'll let you know how it goes. :D
One of my professors really impressed me this week. Dr. Kimball, (My American Heritage professor) said hello to me as we found ourselves walking in the same direction on campus and he took enough interest in me to ask me about my day and how things are going for me in his class. He remembered me. I feel like that's a rare professor who cares enough for his students to take the time to acknowledge them like that on campus. Thanks, Dr. Kimball!
I also went home this week, (On Thursday) coming back to BYU the very same day. It was a long drive, and I left my Spanish textbook and laptop charger at home when I left, but it was really good to see my family. Enoch wrestled so well, and I got to wrestle with him after it was all over!
Anyway, tomorrow beings soon, I have to go. Thanks for reading!
Sorry, no pictures this week. :D
Have a great evening!
It's been a few weeks since I've written about college here. I'm sorry about that. I have never been so busy in all of my life and I'm adjusting to that.
This week was so good. It was also the first week that I've fallen significantly behind on my schoolwork, but I have plans to make that better this week.
I've found that how I begin my day has a big impact on how my day goes. It doesn't determine it 100%, but it does have a large effect. My best days start like this:
5:30am: Wake up, pray, exercise.
6:15: Shower, dress.
6:45: Daily Planning.
7:15: Scripture Study, breakfast.
8:00: First class of the day.
This schedule always leaves me a little short on breakfast time, and I really like to cook and have good breakfasts, so I'm wondering if it would be better for me to get up at 5:00 and have an extra half-hour in the morning for breakfast, and then I can take a half-hour nap in the afternoon to compensate for a lack of sleep in the night. That sounds like a really good idea to me because this week I experimented quite heavily with naps. Seeing as I hardly slept more than six hours any night this week, (Even sleeping only three hours on Thursday night) I attempted the half-hour mid-day nap, (Which is something I've never been a fan of doing) and found that I really enjoyed it. It gave me a really nice restart in the middle of the day that kept me going on very little sleep.
My best days also have good endings. They end like this:
9:00pm: Begin getting ready for bed.
9:15: Write in journal.
9:30: Pray, go to sleep.
I think that if I changed the schedule to a 10:00 bedtime and a 5:00 wake-up time and supplemented it with a mid-day nap, that would be a really effective schedule for me. This week I'm going to try it. I'll let you know how it goes. :D
One of my professors really impressed me this week. Dr. Kimball, (My American Heritage professor) said hello to me as we found ourselves walking in the same direction on campus and he took enough interest in me to ask me about my day and how things are going for me in his class. He remembered me. I feel like that's a rare professor who cares enough for his students to take the time to acknowledge them like that on campus. Thanks, Dr. Kimball!
I also went home this week, (On Thursday) coming back to BYU the very same day. It was a long drive, and I left my Spanish textbook and laptop charger at home when I left, but it was really good to see my family. Enoch wrestled so well, and I got to wrestle with him after it was all over!
Anyway, tomorrow beings soon, I have to go. Thanks for reading!
Sorry, no pictures this week. :D
Have a great evening!
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Power to Kill
The argument over gun rights in America essentially comes down to one core belief of the person who believes: humans are essentially good, or, humans are essentially bad. Let's do an equation that will help me explain.
Gun = Power to Kill
If we believe that humans are essentially good, then we would therefore believe that humans would generally do what is good with the powers given them. In that case, we would want everyone capable of holding a firearm to have one at all times because, being essentially good, humans would protect each other from harm.
This argument uses as evidence the idea that most of the time when a shooting happens, the only person who actually has Power to Kill, (A gun) is the person who does harm. Therefore, if everyone else had Power to Kill too, the one who wished to do harm would be able to do much less harm before someone good interfered.
If we believe that humans are essentially bad, then we would therefore believe that humans would generally do what is bad with the powers given them. In that case, we would want to take as much power away from people as possible to keep them from hurting each other. Thus, it makes sense to want to regulate Power to Kill because power in the hands of men is generally seen as a bad thing.
The evidence for this argument lies in the fact that people do bad things with their power, and there are a lot of examples to back this idea up. Think of what Hitler did with his power, or the Columbine shooters with theirs.
What do you think? Are humans are essentially good or essentially bad? Why?
Leave a comment below!
Friday, January 25, 2019
The Man Jonah
I understand the man Jonah. In some ways, I really respect him. I feel like him nearly every day of my life as I look to what is in front of me. I feel the urge to run as he did, but it must be remembered that in the end he did the right thing anyway and with enormous success.
There are times in my life in which I have found myself running, and most often I have found myself back doing the right thing before long. Procrastinated, but present have I oft been. The struggle that I have is to engage here and now. Jonah was not a bad man - he just had one big folly - he didn't want to engage the task at hand. Sometimes I don't want to either. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in that - somehow it makes my daily life easier. I, like Jonah after being swallowed by the whale, don't feel particularly adept, but I am willing. Today I will engage the tasks of the day and just do the best I can. I will be like the post-whale Jonah.
There are times in my life in which I have found myself running, and most often I have found myself back doing the right thing before long. Procrastinated, but present have I oft been. The struggle that I have is to engage here and now. Jonah was not a bad man - he just had one big folly - he didn't want to engage the task at hand. Sometimes I don't want to either. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in that - somehow it makes my daily life easier. I, like Jonah after being swallowed by the whale, don't feel particularly adept, but I am willing. Today I will engage the tasks of the day and just do the best I can. I will be like the post-whale Jonah.
Sunday, January 13, 2019
BYU Week One
Hey all. :D
This week was one of the most stressful weeks of my life, but I loved it! It was a constant battle to remind myself that I didn't need to doubt and I didn't need to fear, I only needed to love God and trust Him that all of the college craziness is going to work out for my good. Honestly, having finished the first week, I feel a bit like a superhero. Let's put in some highlights:
I got to see lots of my friends! This is different than it sounds because when I say I "Saw my friends" what I mean is that we passed in the multitude on BYU campus and stopped to talk for like 30 seconds before rushing off to the next class. It's different than I thought it would be to be here because I can go a whole day without seeing any of my friends because there are so many people here, but usually I pass one or two every day. Friends who I saw this week include Olivia Jensen, Tim Erickson, Tyler Josse, Catherine Marcheschi, Sariah Fales, Nick Maloy, Ryan Stevens, Jayson Davis, and Katie and Nate Heaps. It's been good to see them. In addition, I have a great roommate! His name is Matthew Phillips and he's from Tremonton, Ut. Let's throw a few pictures in here.
Nick and I went to church together on Sunday. He's not in my ward, but I brought him along anyway. :D
Then these guys all came over for dinner at my apartment and we made chicken burritos on Sunday night!
Finally, I got a parking ticket. I guess that's not the last thing that happened in the week, but you know. I had to save the parking ticket for last because.. It's the last thing I thought would happen this week. xD Welcome to "How to Spend Your Dating Money 101"
Anyway, I've got to get to bed because there are important things to do tomorrow. Here's the most important thing I learned this week:
Elder Robert C. Gay said,
"In any of life's travels, why would you ever turn away from the only Savior who has all power to heal and deliver you? Whatever the price you must pay to trust Him is worth it."
I guess it's hard for me to say that I've learned this principle because I haven't yet - that's on ongoing process. But it stuck to me this week. It's worth any price. In my schooling, my social life, or anything else that I do, I desire to learn to trust Him. I really want to believe that it is worth any cost.
Love,
Dallin
This week was one of the most stressful weeks of my life, but I loved it! It was a constant battle to remind myself that I didn't need to doubt and I didn't need to fear, I only needed to love God and trust Him that all of the college craziness is going to work out for my good. Honestly, having finished the first week, I feel a bit like a superhero. Let's put in some highlights:
I got to see lots of my friends! This is different than it sounds because when I say I "Saw my friends" what I mean is that we passed in the multitude on BYU campus and stopped to talk for like 30 seconds before rushing off to the next class. It's different than I thought it would be to be here because I can go a whole day without seeing any of my friends because there are so many people here, but usually I pass one or two every day. Friends who I saw this week include Olivia Jensen, Tim Erickson, Tyler Josse, Catherine Marcheschi, Sariah Fales, Nick Maloy, Ryan Stevens, Jayson Davis, and Katie and Nate Heaps. It's been good to see them. In addition, I have a great roommate! His name is Matthew Phillips and he's from Tremonton, Ut. Let's throw a few pictures in here.
Nick and I went to church together on Sunday. He's not in my ward, but I brought him along anyway. :D
Then these guys all came over for dinner at my apartment and we made chicken burritos on Sunday night!
This is my group in my Effective Study and Learning class. They're great. :D
On Saturday, Katie and Nate invited me to go play games with them and their friends! We had a blast!
Finally, I got a parking ticket. I guess that's not the last thing that happened in the week, but you know. I had to save the parking ticket for last because.. It's the last thing I thought would happen this week. xD Welcome to "How to Spend Your Dating Money 101"
Anyway, I've got to get to bed because there are important things to do tomorrow. Here's the most important thing I learned this week:
Elder Robert C. Gay said,
"In any of life's travels, why would you ever turn away from the only Savior who has all power to heal and deliver you? Whatever the price you must pay to trust Him is worth it."
I guess it's hard for me to say that I've learned this principle because I haven't yet - that's on ongoing process. But it stuck to me this week. It's worth any price. In my schooling, my social life, or anything else that I do, I desire to learn to trust Him. I really want to believe that it is worth any cost.
Love,
Dallin
Thursday, December 6, 2018
How to Identify Truth
Finding truth is like identifying one color on a spectrum of colors. If, for example, we pretend that truth is the color red, I may ask you, what is truth?
Most would not know how to reply to that question, for if truth is the color red, then truth is not the color Candy Apple Red or the color Ruby Red, it's simply the color Red. To know the answer, you'd have to know how to identify and discern between the colors.
There are ways to improve your ability to discern between colors, and there are ways to improve your ability to discern what truth is.
To get better at identifying colors, you should take this test.
To get better at identifying truth, you should take this test.
Español
Cómo Identificar lo que Es la Verdad
Saber lo que es la verdad es como identificar un color en un espectro de colores. Por ejemplo, hagamos de quenta que la verdad es el color rojo. Ahora te pregunto, ¿qué es la verdad?
Hay muchas maneras para mejorar tu abilidad de discernir entre los colores, y también hay maneras para mejorar tu abilidad de discernir lo que es la verdad.
Para mejorar en tu abilidad de discernir entre los colores, toma este prueba.
Para mejorar en tu abilidad de discernir lo que es la verdad, toma este prueba.
Español
Cómo Identificar lo que Es la Verdad
Saber lo que es la verdad es como identificar un color en un espectro de colores. Por ejemplo, hagamos de quenta que la verdad es el color rojo. Ahora te pregunto, ¿qué es la verdad?
Hay muchas maneras para mejorar tu abilidad de discernir entre los colores, y también hay maneras para mejorar tu abilidad de discernir lo que es la verdad.
Para mejorar en tu abilidad de discernir entre los colores, toma este prueba.
Para mejorar en tu abilidad de discernir lo que es la verdad, toma este prueba.
Monday, November 28, 2016
The Poem of the Unknown Prophet
Hello Dallin's blog world!
I'm Dallin's Aunt Erika, and before he left on his mission, he added me as an admin on his blog so that if he had any thoughts that he wanted to share while he's away, I could post them here for him. So ... this is Elder Ward's latest poem. ENJOY!
The Poem of the Unknown Prophet
I am the man who spoke the truth
In that place, that moment, that day.
And I am the man whose words changed your mind
When your feed had ran the wrong way.
My speech is not perfect, It's simple and slow,
And sometimes in my words I..
Stumble.
It's.. Hard. To speak for me.
So I study and I try - I work really hard.
I want to have speech with mejor
My thoughts are so clear and my heart knows the words.
Sometimes they just don't quite...
Get out the door?
It's hard.. For me.. to speak.
But that doesn't matter and I'll tell you why.
My message is not of this world.
I speak of the Savior - on His wings I fly
The scroll of His scripture I've daily unfurled.
I comfort the lonely, the sick I do heal
In His name, by His power, I KNOW He is real.
For me.. It's hard... To speak.
But when I speak, God guides my words.
I do not.. Remember.. What I said.
In that day, that moment, that place.
But I spoke what He told me as best as I could,
And I... I am thankful.. for His Grace.
I'm Dallin's Aunt Erika, and before he left on his mission, he added me as an admin on his blog so that if he had any thoughts that he wanted to share while he's away, I could post them here for him. So ... this is Elder Ward's latest poem. ENJOY!
The Poem of the Unknown Prophet
I am the man who spoke the truth
In that place, that moment, that day.
And I am the man whose words changed your mind
When your feed had ran the wrong way.
My speech is not perfect, It's simple and slow,
And sometimes in my words I..
Stumble.
It's.. Hard. To speak for me.
So I study and I try - I work really hard.
I want to have speech with mejor
My thoughts are so clear and my heart knows the words.
Sometimes they just don't quite...
Get out the door?
It's hard.. For me.. to speak.
But that doesn't matter and I'll tell you why.
My message is not of this world.
I speak of the Savior - on His wings I fly
The scroll of His scripture I've daily unfurled.
I comfort the lonely, the sick I do heal
In His name, by His power, I KNOW He is real.
For me.. It's hard... To speak.
But when I speak, God guides my words.
I do not.. Remember.. What I said.
In that day, that moment, that place.
But I spoke what He told me as best as I could,
And I... I am thankful.. for His Grace.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Goodbye Vibes
So this is goodbye. Hmm. Okay.
Hello, Goodbye. You're a bit of a solemn feeling sometimes. Also an exciting one, for you tell me two things:First, you tell me that something that I love is coming to a close. This is the sad one. This is the one that I cry about and feel sorry because of. This is an ending to something that I will look back at and remember as something good in my life, and something that God put there for me because He loves me.
Second, you tell me that there is something new awaiting me in my life. This is a thrilling, exhilarating, and a bit frightening aspect of you. This is the part that comes as my eyes begin to adjust to the new scenery and my feet begin to feel the new lands beneath. This is new life.
Saying goodbye is a lot like breathing. As an inhale must come after an exhale, so must new things come after the old. Today I am leaving behind friends and family who I love. I'm leaving behind my ability to speak fluently to the people around me. I'm leaving everything I'm familiar with, and I'm going with my God on a new adventure. We're going to go bring His joy to people in lands far away. :) It's a wonderful thing, really. A breath of new life.
Don't be sorry that I'm going. I'm going to do the work of the Lord, and when it is time, I will come home. Until then, farewell, my friends. Thank you for being a part of my life. I love you so much.
May the Lord bless your feet to walk straight and your heart to find joy.
Smile, my friends. :)
Until we meet again,
I love you.
:)
-Dallin
Friday, October 7, 2016
Awkward and Imperfect
Today I'm realizing something that I think is really important. I do really awkward things, and I feel awkward a lot. Weird.
This is a new development for me. Not the awkwardness, but the realization of it. I've been told bunches of times that I'm an awkward person, but I never had realized how unokay I've been with this. I realize how angry I've become at the thought of it.
Me. Awkward? Never.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to act awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to feel awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that I am not worth loving when seen as awkward.
So I've tried to hide it.
Another development which I've observed recently is the habit of becoming angry when I'm not perfect, or when other people bring up my imperfections. This is a habit that I think is particularly damaging. Those people who I have observed with this trait are not very much fun to be around, and they seem to spend most of their time in deep self-analysis trying to make sure that everything they do is perfect. The problem I see is that I've yet to observe one of those people who actually got there that way. They spend most of their time being bitter and miserable about the fact that they're not perfect.
Am I becoming this kind of person?
I've certainly spent a lot of time feeling angry and tense lately. Is this why?
Christ said that all those who are struggling and feel weighed down should come to Him, and He will give them rest. I like the sound of that. Carrying all of this perfection around with me all the time is really a chore, and I think it's unnecessary. While God did say that no unclean thing can enter into His kingdom, He also created a Savior for mankind because He knew that we wouldn't make it there unspotted, and He wants us to make it back to Him. He really wants us to come home.
As much as I hate to say it, I am going to sin today.
I'm going to sin tomorrow too.
And the next day.
I don't like those thoughts. Not at all. I don't like being imperfect. In fact, I really hate it quite a lot. I just want to be a perfect man so that I can do all the perfect things and help all of the people in the perfect way. I really do want to help people. I just feel like I am so incapable because of my imperfections.
Somewhere else I learned to believe that if I'm not perfect, I'm not worthy of love. What a lie.
Lucifer, you scoundrel. Get out of my life. I don't want you here, and I'm SO TIRED OF YOUR LIES. I'M SO TIRED OF YOU TELLING ME SUCH BLATANTLY FALSE THINGS. GO. AWAY.
I'm so tired of believing those things. :-/
I could tell the truth about this here. I could write another feel good post about how the Savior loves me and I could do a massive transformation and turn-around in thought like I've done in a hundred other posts. It could seem triumphant and like I've finally overcome some deep dark challenge in my soul, and it could come off as a really impressive post. I'm not sure that it would do me any good though, because I need to do more than feel good. I need to actually change. More than knowing that He loves me, I need to trust Him that He can actually do what He says He can do. I need to trust Him that He actually can redeem me, and that I am loved and worth loving any way I go.
I feel like I'm climbing and Christ is my belayer. He's looking up at me and yelling, "KEEP GOING, YOU'RE DOING GREAT!" And I'm looking back down at Him and saying, "HI JESUS! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BELAYING ME, BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN CATCH ME! I LOVE YOU!"
I wonder how Jesus handled awkward situations. Did He have them? Maybe a better question is, what is awkwardness?
For me, awkwardness has been translated into a fear of being unloved. I think this is why I studder in my speech and am hesitant in my action. I think it's because I'm afraid that if I mess up I will not be loved. Is that really a true belief? No. Of course not. To be awkward is to be awkward and to be unloved is to be unloved. They are not the same. I want to learn to know the difference.
Jesus, believing in You is really hard for me sometimes. I really struggle to trust You. Please help me to do better. I want to do better. I want to let you carry the burden of perfectionism for me, because I cannot do it alone. I do not want to feel inadequate anymore. I want to feel of your grace and love for me. I know it is there, and I'm trying to believe. Please help me.
Love,
Dallin
This is a new development for me. Not the awkwardness, but the realization of it. I've been told bunches of times that I'm an awkward person, but I never had realized how unokay I've been with this. I realize how angry I've become at the thought of it.
Me. Awkward? Never.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to act awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to feel awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that I am not worth loving when seen as awkward.
So I've tried to hide it.
Another development which I've observed recently is the habit of becoming angry when I'm not perfect, or when other people bring up my imperfections. This is a habit that I think is particularly damaging. Those people who I have observed with this trait are not very much fun to be around, and they seem to spend most of their time in deep self-analysis trying to make sure that everything they do is perfect. The problem I see is that I've yet to observe one of those people who actually got there that way. They spend most of their time being bitter and miserable about the fact that they're not perfect.
Am I becoming this kind of person?
I've certainly spent a lot of time feeling angry and tense lately. Is this why?
Christ said that all those who are struggling and feel weighed down should come to Him, and He will give them rest. I like the sound of that. Carrying all of this perfection around with me all the time is really a chore, and I think it's unnecessary. While God did say that no unclean thing can enter into His kingdom, He also created a Savior for mankind because He knew that we wouldn't make it there unspotted, and He wants us to make it back to Him. He really wants us to come home.
As much as I hate to say it, I am going to sin today.
I'm going to sin tomorrow too.
And the next day.
I don't like those thoughts. Not at all. I don't like being imperfect. In fact, I really hate it quite a lot. I just want to be a perfect man so that I can do all the perfect things and help all of the people in the perfect way. I really do want to help people. I just feel like I am so incapable because of my imperfections.
Somewhere else I learned to believe that if I'm not perfect, I'm not worthy of love. What a lie.
Lucifer, you scoundrel. Get out of my life. I don't want you here, and I'm SO TIRED OF YOUR LIES. I'M SO TIRED OF YOU TELLING ME SUCH BLATANTLY FALSE THINGS. GO. AWAY.
I'm so tired of believing those things. :-/
I could tell the truth about this here. I could write another feel good post about how the Savior loves me and I could do a massive transformation and turn-around in thought like I've done in a hundred other posts. It could seem triumphant and like I've finally overcome some deep dark challenge in my soul, and it could come off as a really impressive post. I'm not sure that it would do me any good though, because I need to do more than feel good. I need to actually change. More than knowing that He loves me, I need to trust Him that He can actually do what He says He can do. I need to trust Him that He actually can redeem me, and that I am loved and worth loving any way I go.
I feel like I'm climbing and Christ is my belayer. He's looking up at me and yelling, "KEEP GOING, YOU'RE DOING GREAT!" And I'm looking back down at Him and saying, "HI JESUS! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BELAYING ME, BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN CATCH ME! I LOVE YOU!"
I wonder how Jesus handled awkward situations. Did He have them? Maybe a better question is, what is awkwardness?
For me, awkwardness has been translated into a fear of being unloved. I think this is why I studder in my speech and am hesitant in my action. I think it's because I'm afraid that if I mess up I will not be loved. Is that really a true belief? No. Of course not. To be awkward is to be awkward and to be unloved is to be unloved. They are not the same. I want to learn to know the difference.
Jesus, believing in You is really hard for me sometimes. I really struggle to trust You. Please help me to do better. I want to do better. I want to let you carry the burden of perfectionism for me, because I cannot do it alone. I do not want to feel inadequate anymore. I want to feel of your grace and love for me. I know it is there, and I'm trying to believe. Please help me.
Love,
Dallin
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