You Are Alone: A Comprehensive List of Why God Hates You

Today I Did Something Difficult

Last night I had a conversation with my Aunt Lucy that went along these lines:

L: You want to do Malad's Got Talent. I know you want to perform.
D: Not really.
L: Yeah you do.
D: Ahhh. Ehh.. No. Not really.
L: It's your last year at home, come on, Dal!
D: I don't want to.
L: You're going to.
D: .... I don't even know what I'd do.

Well shucks.

This sparked a 3 hour discussion on what would take place the next day involving handstands, flips, humor, and what ended up being an incredible amount of vulnerability for me.

Oh, and jedi wrestling.

Ever since I was little I've been performing. I first got on stage at the tender age of 7 with my brothers by my side and my Grandma at the piano. Singing and performing hasn't been a problem for me. It comes naturally. This, however, this was something different. I was CREATING this act, and it wasn't a song. It wasn't a poem. It wasn't set in stone, and there was no memorized script. More than that, it was comedy.
COMEDY.
I don't know how well you are acquainted with me, and you should know this if you're not. Comedy is not my jam. I feel so inadequate about my comedic skills. Give me a poem or a song or tell me to do a handstand on top of that thing, and I'm in my comfort zone. Tell me to run 53 minutes of stairs or do a thousand pushups or go talk to a stranger or ask a girl on a date or do a handstand on that other thing, and I'm still in my comfort zone. Tell me that I'm leaving tomorrow to spend the next two months in Europe, and that's definitely in my comfort zone. I can do that. No worries there.
But comedy?
Yeah, not my cup of tea. By nature, I tend to like to control situations. Comedy is one I'm not confident that I can control. Especially when working with another person. Alone, I could probably put together a fairly decent comedy show and perform it myself and feel pretty good about it. This time I wasn't alone. My brother Spencer was involved, and we were getting input from Lucy. Spencer's humor I get along with really well. Lucy's I don't always. I think that yo mamma jokes are dumb. Regardless, I was thankful for her input, and could see how valuable it was, so I tried to stop talking and start listening more. Still my ego was getting in the way and I felt like I had to interject myself into every single thing that was happening. Going to bed last night I felt so raw and vulnerable and terrified about what was going to happen today that I hoped a little bit that it wouldn't happen.
This ended up being a great exercise in trust for me.
The fact was that I couldn't control this whole performance. It was put together too quickly, was too disorganized, had too much unscripted material, and had too much humor for me to control. It also had Spencer in it, and as I was calming myself and trying to prepare to go on stage, I found myself trying to control his emotions too - trying to make him have the stage presence which I thought he should have. The one I was afraid he wasn't going to have. The one I was afraid *I* wasn't going to have.
My shame gremlins were having a field day.
"He's going to ruin it for you!" They told me very distinctly. "He's too nervous and not engaged! He's not going to smile! You knew this was a bad idea, and you did it anyway! We told you! You can't do this!"
As I prepared, I prayed, and put effort into clearing my head and focusing on what was going to happen and what I could do about it. I came to realize that there was absolutely nothing I could do about how Spencer felt or acted, and that it really was possible that he could ruin the show. I realized that *I* was preemptively ruining the show by trying to control the end result. So I decided to let it go, open my heart, and just give what I had.
It was terrifying.
I allowed the feelings of nervousness and vulnerability to come, welcomed them into my heart, and HAD A BEAUTIFUL SHOW. :D
We didn't advance to the next round, even though I thought we were going to make it. My ego was displeased by the judge's decision. My joy, however, was greater than my ego in that moment, and I felt happy.
I felt so accepted and loved by so many people, and by myself. I showed up and was present, and it made all the difference. I gave my heart to the moment and just felt joy. I felt connected to Spencer. We had a great time.
And, in the midst of it all, I got this wonderful accidental mantra inscribed on my wrist which defined my intentions going into it, and described my feelings coming out. That was cool. Flippin cool. ;)

What a wonderful day. Vulnerability is awesome. Showing up and being present is awesome. Love is awesome. Life is awesome. ^_^
Thanks, Lucy and Spencer. You guys rocked it. I'm so glad that I did this with you. This was good for me.
Dear reader, I hope you find something to open your heart to and be present in soon. It's amazing. :)
Thank you, God! :D

Oh Love

Wow. Today wonderful things have happened. This week and this month and this year wonderful things have happened. I have been tossed upon the sea of uncertainty, thrilled by the view of new heights, calmed by the stillness of Christ. I have fallen in love, felt rejected in love, felt accepted in love, and come to understand more about what love really is and the role it plays in living life as Christ did. I've danced and sang and shouted and cried and flipped and smiled and frowned.

I've lived. 

Guys, I'm going on a mission. I'M GOING ON A MISSION TO CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I know that is old news, and that is okay with me. For really the first time, I feel genuinely excited to go. I've felt numb for the past while, and now I feel awesome. I feel like a superhero! THIS IS AWESOME. :D What a wonderful thing this is. For everyone I've told before today that I was excited about going, I apologize. I kind of lied to you. I had no clue what to feel. Sorry about that. xD
Oh joy! I feel so happy tonight. Scary happy. The kind of happiness which fear tells me to be afraid of because it could go away and that could hurt. Fear is correct. :) It could, and probably will go away. That's okay. Right now I feel it, and I want to enjoy it while it's here. I don't need you, fear.

AHH MEXICO. AWWWWYEAH. MEXICO HERE I COME. IMMA BE A SUPERHERO. :D

And the Lord is providing ways for me to make the money to go, and my family has a BEAUTIFUL new home, and my Grandparents are some of the most marvelous people I've ever met, and I have a body and hands and eyes and ears, and the internet is amazing, and I got to help lay 15000 sq feet of sod today so now I'll be buff, and the sky and the stars and the Earth and HAPPINESS. UNBRIDLED, UNASHAMED, UNMISTAKEN JOY. :D

Okay. Fewer caps now. Joy is so wonderful. :)

Do you want to know about something that I love? I love people. I love my friends and my family. I really, really would have a hard time expressing this to you in words. I just love them. I see them and I want to dance and sing and laugh and smile. I feel like such a child tonight. Look at these people! I love them! :D
How blessed I am to be alive.

Oh love. You're so much more than I ever had thought before. You are simple, and yet you cover the whole depth and breadth of human experience. Love, you're awesome. :D
Thank you, Heavenly Father, for showing me more about love. I love you, and I bear witness of Your name and Your gospel. Thank you for placing it in my life. :)

Rejoice!

Lean In

Pain is such a funny thing. It is so easy to become wrapped up in it and even to lose focus on a greater goal because of pain.
Even Christ, the greatest of all, when given His greatest challenge requested a respite from the pain. The thing that Christ did right is that He didn't lose track of where He was going - He still had a why. His fundamental why. It was deep, abiding, and solid. Even when He was suffering for the sins, pains, and afflictions of all mankind there was a stillness inside of Him.
Recently I've read a lot of books on leadership, especially leadership within my own being. Here's a few things I've learned:

1) You have to have a firm foundation if you want to be a happy person.

The writers I read from didn't have the same foundations on the outside, but at the core they were very similar. They were steady, immovable, and unalterable. Not even the authors could change the foundations - their only choice was to stand on them or not. It was basically a belief and recognition that there is something greater than them in the universe, and the faith to move forward into extreme uncertainty as a result. They still may have worried, but their foundations were greater than anything they could come across, even the loss of their own lives and they understood this.

2) You have to bring other people with you if you want to be a happy person.

A firm foundation is great, and in situations where there truly is nobody else on the entire planet who you could possibly bring with you, it will sustain you all on your own. However, such situations hardly ever exist, and humans are social creatures. Not only are we social, we are imperfect. We NEED each other to overcome challenges. You know the twelve step program, yeah? It is said that if you make it through all of the first eleven steps, but fail to make it through the twelfth, you will go back to drinking every time. Why? I can't say for certain, but here's what it seems to me.

It's great to be addiction-free, and it's super freeing, but if you don't have a purpose and someone to share your experience with, your achievement will crumble and fall. Humans have a fundamental need to share with and lift and build other people. "I lift thee and thee lift me, and we will rise together." <-- that kind of a deal. In some ways, that's what writing here is for me. Writing is something I can do to share my experience in a way that can help other people. And I notice that when I'm struggling and I feel the urge to write, but don't, it slows my progress. I have a need to give something to the people around me. I have a need to use my pain and my joy to help other people understand theirs. It's freeing to be a human, and binding to be anything else. Allow yourself to be human, and bring other people with you along the way.

3) You have to learn to lean in to pain, discomfort, sorrow, and even joy.

Emotion is uncomfortable, and there are very few people in the world who just are naturally wholehearted in the sense that they are just plain unafraid to be who they are - messy emotions and all. This is where it gets rough. This is where one of my favorite quotes on my tack-board comes into play. "If your life is not hard, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG." If you're not stretching your boundaries and seeing what you can actually achieve, you're not living as wholehearted of a life as you could be. Because doing hard things is a necessity to wholeheartedness, pain, discomfort, sorrow, and joy will all be results. And you will makes mistakes, I promise. Shift back to the firm foundation for a moment here, let's talk about that. No matter what you do, where you go, or how you've lived, you are enough. You are worthy, you are important, you are loved. Never let that move from your mind. This is a critical part of your firm foundation. Your actions are your actions, and you are you. They are separate and distinct, and Brene Brown talks about them beautifully in Daring Greatly. Go get the book, it's worth a read. It is important when doing hard things to remember to center yourself. Ask yourself,
"Why am I here?" "What is my purpose?" "How can I work right now toward the best outcome?" 

then take time and actually answer the questions. Center the questions around your foundation. Bring yourself to center, then move forward. There is clarity and peace in remembering your foundation. Make this a habit.

This week I'm going into a situation that I see as being very uncomfortable for me in a couple of ways. Those are ways I am not going to discuss here for now, or maybe ever, but it has potential to be something that I feel pain, discomfort, sorrow, and joy all in different ways. That's the thing about it, I just don't know. It's incredibly uncertain, and my natural reaction is to shut down hard core. I don't want to do that this time. I want this to be one of the moments that I look back on and see as a turning point in my life. I want to lean in to pain. I want to experience sorrow. I want to smile at discomfort and I want to embrace joy. After all, I'm a human, and this is part of who I am. 

Christ is the foundation, the rock that I stand on. He is immovable, he is steady, he is kind. I can rely on Him. 1 Corinthians 13 talks about charity, and Christ is the epitome of charity, so let's sub his name into this chapter:

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Christ, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Christ, I am nothing.

 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Christ, it profiteth me nothing.

 4 Christ suffereth long, and is kind; Christ envieth not; Christ vaunteth not himself, is not puffed up,

 5 Doth not behave himself unseemly, seeketh not his own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 8 Christ never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

 10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

 13 And now abideth faith, hope, Christ, these three; but the greatest of these is Christ.

^^This is my rock. This is my foundation, and though all other things pass away, He will still be there. He cannot be moved, He will not be moved, and I can trust utterly and completely in His steadiness.
Because of Him, I can be unafraid to do hard things.
Because of Him, I can experience all emotion fully and without hesitation.
Because of Him, I can love completely, wholy, and unashamedly, and I can be free.

I can be free!

Praise be to Him forever.

The Answer

Once humanity realizes that the answer to all of their problems is complete and unconditional love, all of their problems will be solved. 

Once I realize that the answer to all of my problems is complete and unconditional love, all of my problems will be solved.

How courageously can I learn to love my fellow man?

Good and Comfortable

A child once broke a very nice window in the home of a wealthy man.

"Child, that was a bad thing, a very bad thing!" Reprimanded the man.

A man once stopped his child from playing ball for fear of the child breaking a window.

"Man, that was a very good thing, a very good thing indeed." Cooed the neighbors.

Be careful of confusing comfort with morality; they are not the same thing.

I Spoke to God Once

I spoke to God once, saying, "Lord, I'm struggling to believe in myself."

He responded, "Who did I say to believe in?"

'Come, Follow Me' An Original Poem

Where is the fire inside of me?
It used to be, it used to be..
Where is the purpose, and how did it flee?
It used to be, it used to be...
How have I fallen, and why can't I see?
It used to be, it used to be.

Now I am lonely, afraid and put down.
My friends and my family will not see me drown.
For drowning is silent, and still as the song
Of a heart no longer beating.

Oh God, where are you now that I'm here on the edge?
The edge of my sanity, the edge of my hope.
I'm tired, Dear Lord, and have no more strength.
No balm for my soul, and no way to cope.
There is pain beyond that which You can understand;
I've come so far, and fallen so deep.
Please let me go now, I'll burden no more.
Please, Father, let me sleep.


Dear child, sleep well, and dream while you sleep;
Think no longer of dwelling in chains.
For I am your God, and your soul I will keep.
My grace is sufficient to heal all your pains.
Worry not, you can become whole.
I know that your strength is gone, so use Mine,
It's free, so ask, let that be your goal.
Oh child, hold on, this is by design.

Many a heart will no longer beat,
For they drowned to the words of that song.
Hold on, we can do this, there will be a way.
And you will yet live to be strong.

I am your Lord, please do not flee,
Come follow Me, come follow Me.
I am your comfort, your guide I will be,
Come follow Me, come follow Me.
Please, heed my words, you still can be free.
Come follow Me, come follow Me.

Humanity

For a while, I've been working on the campaign team for a couple of my buddies who are running for student body president and secretary. They're great and I love them. I really believe that they are people who will do amazing things at WA.

Today I feel tired. I feel sad and lonely and disappointed with myself. I've become so wrapped up in winning these campaigns that I've stopped seeing other people as people. Only another person to sway or an enemy to be dealt with.

And to be clear, this post is about me. I, myself. Dallin Ward. It's not about anyone else in the campaign because I can't speak their feelings or experience. This is solely and completely mine. I accept this as mine.

I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I chatted a guy in class to ask him about voting for my candidate. A guy who is my friend; someone who I've worked with and I love. I didn't ask him how he was or even regard him as a human. Everything I did was in efforts to get him to vote the way I wanted him to, and then damage control when it appeared he wasn't going to. At the end, I even made the remark, "By the way, nice comments in class today, bro." But I didn't mean any of it, and I think he felt that. It was an awkward situation for me, and it looked like an awkward situation for him. 

But GAHADFOIASF AF;AGAEGA SREGFI GUBAVDN SADOGI NASDGONA;OIF OSIF ;OWIHF;AOIUEIHT;OF8QIEYHT;OIGWHSNE;OILD HFN; OASDHNGL VKHASN; DFOHVA OLSDHGVN; OAIEHSFN; OAUEHR;OGIHS;OUHKF AOIHGN ;LAK A ;;ASDSD ;KSDA  LNL

GAH.

VULNERABILITY AND HUMANNESS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OPINION, AND I LET MY OPINION CHANGE THE WAY I TREATED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

This is not okay with me. 

**Sigh** I'm tired. I'm done trying to convince at any cost. The ends do not justify the means. 

Simon Sinek says that he's such an effective speaker because, 

"I only speak what I believe, and I only says things that I know to be true."
I want to be like that. I'm done trying to beat other people. I'm done trying to convince myself that it's okay. I love people. That's what I do. This forceful, angry side of me isn't who I am. I want no part of it. If I am to succeed in this life, I want to succeed because I did what I knew to be right and did not give up my integrity to achieve any goal. My integrity is what gives me strength. 

So, today, I am going to do and say things I believe, and that's it. I'm also going to see if I can finish my checklist. It would be the first time I've finished a whole checklist in a very long time. I want to believe that I can do this. I can be the man that God wants me to be. I can. Heavenly Father, please help me. I want to be a better man. 

There is such pride and foolishness in my heart. I am such a flawed human being. I don't feel happy with myself. I act in hypocrisy and deceit more often than even I understand. I don't feel confident and pleased with myself. I feel proud and stupid and glum.
Oh Lord, please help me. I just want to be a better man.

Time Travel

I think that if humanity ever travels in time, it will be a concept entirely of perception, and not of physical being in time.
In a sense, we travel in time already. The stars that we see in the sky put off light that we see years after the light is actually put off by that star. We're seeing things as they were a hundred or a thousand years ago, not as they are now.
So, if at some future point, humanity happens to build a telescope well enough to find an inhabited planet elsewhere in the universe, we will be seeing the inhabitants as they were tens or even hundreds of years before the present moment.
Following those same lines, if humanity were to figure out how to travel faster than the speed of light, we could theoretically catch up to the light that reflected off of the Earth in years past, and literally watch history unfold.
It is also possible that there is more sophisticated life in the universe that already is watching the Earth, and may even have recorded our existence. Pretty cool, huh? :D
To go even further, if humanity could move faster than light, we also theoretically could catch up to the end of light, and watch the creation of the universe happen.

So, how did the Egyptians build the pyramids? 

I don't know. Ask the aliens.